The Bare-Faced Lies of the Opposite Sex
Everybody lies. Lets embrace the fact - we lie our lying fricking faces off. Every day. I have a massive cock. See? Lying is easy. Lying helps the world keep turning. If we didn’t lie in our relationships, we’d probably all have broken up with our respective partners mere days after we started dating them.
Not because we are necessarily doing anything bad, but because there are certain truths which need to be vetted for relevancy. Does he need to know I was having lunch with another guy? No, it’s not like I sucked the guy’s cock. “I was having my nails done!”. Does she need to know that her clunge smells like a dumpster full of smashed up wildebeest carcasses? No, that would just hurt her feelings. We will have a “sensual” shower together and I’ll give that thing a good scrub myself.
And so on.
Personally, I’m fascinated with this phenomenon. I think we are all intrinsically aware of when a partner is talking utter bullshite, but for whatever reason, we let it go; be it karmic forgiveness in preparation for the imminent, retaliatory bullshite that will spew forth from our own mouths the next day, or be it because you just can’t be arsed to get into an argument over a little white lie.
I asked a couple of online forums I frequent what kind of Bare-Faced Lies they hear from or have told to the opposite sex. Our responses are below. I’ve taken the liberty to add my interpretations as to what the lie actually means…
Chick Lies
“No, I’m fine”
(Yes, I am pissed off)
“That was wonderful”
(I am in a state of euphoria because that is now, thankfully, over)
(”6/10″)
“These shoes were on sale”
(These shoes were almost unbelievably expensive. The raw materials that were used to make them probably account for around 1% of the retail cost. These shoes, therefore, are a tangible example of my confounding female sense of utter irrationality)
“I’m not really ready for a relationship right now.”
(I’m having an awesome time sleeping with all your friends)
(I’m waiting for a better offer)
(All I wanted was a ride in your Porsche. Frick this has gotten way out of hand)
“I don’t care about money”
(I want more money)
(I want you to gradually care less about money because I’m going to spend all of yours on shoes)
“He’s an old friend from high school.”
(Who I fantasise about sleeping with)
(Who I should have married)
(Actually I met him at Starbucks. I’ve known him for a week)
“I stayed at another girls house last night and forgot my phone.”
(We were bitching about you most of the time)
(We were having a naked pillow-fight session after which we engaged in hot lesbian sex)
(I was seeing Brian. You remember Brian, right? Your brother?)
“But I’ve always had lots of guy friends”
(I am a gangbang-loving slut)
(I have deep, emotional scars)
(Chicks think I’m a bitch, because I am)
“I miss you”
(I’m keeping you sweet)
(I’m clingy and psychologically unstable. I’ve made an effigy of you from paper mache and vaginal mucus)
“I love it when men take charge.”
(I have deep, emotional scars)
(I am chronically timid and indecisive, which although might be a boon in the bedroom, will drive you fricking nuts in real life)
“I trust you - I know you would never cheat on me - I just don’t trust other women.”
(Because I used to be a giant slut)
Dude Lies
“I’m not drunk at all.”
(Seriously, I actually always look like this)
(Summoning up all my available sobriety to say that sentence with a modicum of coherence has made me want to projectile vomit)
“That’s never happened before.”
(Oh frick not again. Please not again)
“I drive a _________”
(I’m really obsessed with _________ and can tell you everything about them, but I am decades away from owning one)
(My friend drives a _________ and I could borrow it off him if you decide to call my bluff, bitch)
(If you react, you are a superficial hussy and I have a pretty good chance of sleeping with you tonight)
“Yes I was listening”
(Wha?)
“Yes I was listening. I was just thinking about what you were saying.”
(Wha? Oh shit come on come on come on stall stall stall)
“Of course I remember what time”
(I am too terrified to ask again so I’m just going to stand at the meeting spot all day and act like I got there 5 mins before when you show up)
“Sorry, I left my phone at home”
(I went to a strip club. Mike got a lap dance. It was so awesome)
“I’ll turn it off after this level.”
(Little do you know this is the longest and most enjoyable level in the game)
(I can never beat the level after this anyway)
“Lets just cuddle tonight”
(I just had a biiiig wank)
Your Lies?
I hope my ousting of these lies and their various interpretations has enriched your lives to the point of wild, spontaneous climax. Please feel free to share any of your own Bare-Faced Lies of the Opposite Sex (with interpetations) in the comments section below!
