10 Sex Positions You Shouldn’t Attempt
I tried…tried and failed? No! Tried and died.
In amongst some porn I downloaded recently I found something I wasn’t expecting. Nestling within the hundreds of lesbiangrannymidgetcolostomybagsexpics that I had downloaded in a big zip file were these kama sutra-esque illustrations of Indian folk in various stages of boffing each other. Whilst many of them were enjoyable, some left me profoundly disturbed. And I’m a guy who looks at lesbiangrannymidgetcolostomybagsexpics, so you can probably begin to imagine how strange some of these were. I’d like to share my top 10 with you:
The Stone Golem - I call this sex position “The Stone Golem” mainly because it involves having sex with a stone golem. Sure she looks like she’s enjoying it right now, but what about in a few hours? Stone Golems don’t go soft. What about a few days? What about when her vagina is nothing but a bloody mist? Having sex with stone golems is something I’m glad we didn’t pick up from India when we stole all their opium.
The Smash TV - wielding her legs like joysticks, this position requires a level of dexterity that humans are no longer capable of. Squeeze both breasts for smart bomb.
The Reverse-Crab Ceiling Tile Counter - one of the more curious illustrations is this one, which has me gripped with curiosity as to what the frick IS on the ceiling. And why is she strangling him.
The Onlooker - Everything would be fine with this position were it not for the presence of the mysterious third party, who is idly looking off in another direction, or stoically flicking the bean behind the cushion.
The Pink Hat - This position involves you wearing nothing but a fetching pink hat.
The Knot - I’ve been staring at this one for hours and hours now and I still cannot work out how many people there are in it. This is the rubiks cube escher painting of sex positions and everyone who has tried it has probably died, or accidentally fricked their own arse.
The Mormon Newlyweds - another seemingly normal sex position on first glance. Inspect it closer however, and you will notice the alarmingly distant look on both their faces. Is it over yet? No? sigh ok…keep pounding, dear. I also like her vagina’s tiny apron.
The Piledriver - caught up in the heat of passion during an axe ‘n’ comb fight, these lovers are taking S&M to awesome new heights with the inclusion of wrestling moves. The only problem is, you can’t frick a bellybutton. Well, not unless you do it hard.
The Exorcist - 180Ëš head-turning action. Hot. Clean up your fricking room though.
The Wrong Hole - we all like a post-coital cigarette but this is just ridiculous. Or maybe I have it all wrong and that’s actually some kind of ancient anti-pregnancy felching machine? Well, whatever it is, she seems to like it. I just feel bad for the poor bastard who goes and smokes that thing next. Or do I envy him. Shit I’m turning myself on.
In other news, here are a few snaps of me presenting at PechaKucha Night Vol.30 (I gave a presentation on “everyday creativity”):
very funny, your first post I’ve laughed out loud at in a while. You handsome devil you. Did you happen to notice that on the last one there’s a man in the fetal position lying underneath her with his back to the painter? How com eyou left that out fookie?
holy GOD you’re right! She is sitting on some kind of dismembered torso or arse-shaped cushion! Whichever one it is, I’m even more turned on than before.
Maybe she’s cleaning things out and working on giving it a hearty smokehouse flavor for the next poor sap that she’s going to hack to bits?
NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK.
WTF LIESSSS
Please explain the concept of “everyday creativity…?” At least, explain its meaning in the context of this seminar. Just out of curiousity.
at last…Looks like something i would do once…
Look, we’ve all fucked smoking paraphernalia while reclining on a ‘Francis Bacon-esque’ dismembered torso; let’s be grown-ups here.
Thank you. I will never have sex … ever … again.
Since when has YF been SFW?
Shopper’s Food Warehouse?
howd you get so famous now?
In case anyone didn’t know, the knot is arranged in such a way that the legs form the swastika. In hinduism the swastika represents the symbol for peace and good will.
“The word “swastika” comes from the Sanskrit svastika - “su” meaning “good,” “asti” meaning “to be,” and “ka” as a suffix. “
So religion and strange sexual positions DO go in hand together.
I TOLD you the holocaust never happened. Those nazis were all about peace and good will. Fuckin’ vegetarian hippies…the lot of ‘em.
Will you live with me, Alex?
“howd you get so famous now?”
Didn’t you know? YongFook is now a famous pornstar being featured on bestsellers like “Small Penis, Big Bang” & “Extreme Bondage & Animal pie”
I haven’t seen either since Im pure minded.
I suggest new terminology for the cockcasts:
Yongcast - small length Guigcast - large length
“everyday creativity” consists of making elaborate wedding scenes with your neighbors garbage and your own used tissues.
“Oh Yongfook! Marry me and take me away on your white horse!” “Not now baby, I’m running a Google search for ‘penis mangling’”
Which of the positions YF posted do you think would most effectively mangle one’s penis?
I’m gonna go with “The Pink Hat”…’cause there’s just something about that pink hat…
That, or “The Reverse-Crab Ceiling Tile Counter”
The one that has an AXE lying around doesn’t seem safe for my penis.
The number of those I found familiar is disturbing…
shagged lots of Indian men eh, Ami.
Just a lot of mustachioed men, I bet.
or maybe she has a penchant for men with fetching headgear. Hmm. How long before this gets racist.
which head?
So yesterday i paid my mobile bill and 2 Indian men were there…I couldn’t help but smile and inadvertantly wink (though no hats)… Yongfook…you lighten my life!!
Hmmm.. They remind of Stifler’s mum in American Pie.. MILF! MILF! MILF! =)
I’m growing a moustache right now. Dudes with moustaches get LAID.
AndyH > I think we need to make a list of the things we’ve learnt from these illustrations:
1) Dudes with moustaches get LAID
2) Indian folk only ever have sex OFF THEIR FACES on drugs
3) Men too, can wear pearls and still get LAID
notice how the dude without a mustache is getting head though ? I see a pattern emerging. Wear a mustache and you’ll get laid but you’ll have to be off your face on smack and tie knots in your penis, shave that moustache off and you can recline in your pimping headgear and get a blowjob…
yongfook, you forgot;
4) Wearing headgear such as a turban or pink hat may increase your chances of getting laid by about 400.82%
I didn’t consider the moustaches… so looks like 1 out of 5 men with mousies get laid… hmmm… I bet there’s an illustration of just what to do with those pearls too… >yongfook 3: Men too, can still wear pearls and get LAID
re: why moustache = massive lay action
Moustache Ride.
They’ve even mutated the simple blowjob. What’s wrong with relaxing in a non-body-contorting way?
Let’s see one of them contort their penis in pretzelesque fashion. THEN I’ll be impressed.
“Headgear” means “hat” in British english?
In America it is some nasty contraption from 20 years back that the orthodontist would make teenagers wear to fix their teeth. They looked hilarious.
But I guess you don’t have orthodontists over there, do you!
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=headgear
head·gear ( P ) Pronunciation Key (hdgîr) n. 1.A covering, such as a hat or helmet, for the head. 2.The part of a harness that fits about a horse’s head.
Sex education has taken a whole new level with this post. I wonder if YF gives practical lessons as well? Will YF be growing a beard too? =)
YF: this post was racist from the start where you labelled a dark-skinned guy doing his wife a stone golem. is it just me?
[…] 10 posiciones sexuales del Kamasutra que uno no deberÃa intentar nunca (en inglés). Las imágenes son del Kamasutra, y clásicas obvio, pero explÃcitas. Es de especial mención notar la dificultad de la posición “El sombrero francés”. [Ãdem vÃa] […]
Joey, I don’t think it’s racist to call someone in a drawing who clearly has skin made of stone a stone golem. First show me a guy who has gray skin tone and then perhaps I’ll consider that comment to be racist.
Hehehe. I like how you said it was his wife. You should know that stone golems do not have wives. Just victims.
in the fourth picture, it looks like her left foot is passing mysteriously through his torso.
crazy fucks [no pun intended].
See Guig, these are pictures of people trying to take your genitals away. I wouldn’t dream of takin your genitals away.
New question about ‘The Onlooker’: how long do you think your special lady friend could hold that position for? And could you bear to hear her moaning about it when the good old missionary was available? The British empire was built on the good old missionary.
I mean the girl taking pole, not the one having a wrafty crank behind the pillow. Naughty girl.
wow! gizmodo has a picture of a yongfook wannabe look-a-like! http://static.flickr.com/51/109734625_f9cdfb63c2.jpg
Jeff, that guy’s white. And has a large penis (I kind of “knew” him…biblically)
iS…you some kinda hippy golem lover? Go back to India, golem lover.
Guig, how do ya know he has a large penis? A up close personal observation?
Joe…I…uh, think that’s the joke I was going for.
Hence the use of my old (and patented) Biblical joke. You need a diagram Joe? I think I have a slide rule somewhere.
Why don’t you sit the next coupla plays out Joe? Take the weight off for a bit.
Guig, Golem Hugger, not lover. Get it right, yeesh.
Didn’t homer simpson first use the term ‘to know someone biblically’? Or was it Peter Griffen?
Yes, AndyH, I need a diagram. I failed biology. Please scale it in metric…larger numbers….more impressive. ;)
Guig, is Yongfook really that anorexic in person?
That guy does have a yongfookish look about him. I think it’s the jaunty pose.
Joe, I’ll check it out again when we do another podcast. He always sits on my lap while we record it, so it gives me a good chance to see whether he’s been eating or not.
Eeeshk. It’s like listening to the audio version of a grotesque puppet show…
My hand doesn’t get all the way up to his mouth though.
Well professional ventriloquist puppets don’t usually have the performer’s hand go all the up to the mouth either. They have “triggers” that they “flick” to make the “puppet’s” mouth “move”… …with joy.
you suck
Great post!
Yeah, I mean that could be directed at any of us. Next time try to be a bit more specific ‘beriot’. Were you explaining how to operate the “triggers” on modern puppets? Get back in touch and expand on your insight. We await your follow up eager anticipation.
10 Sex Positions You Shouldn’t Attempt…
this guys must be kidding me: 10 Sex Positions You Shouldn’t Attempt…
yeah, be specific beriot, suck what?
Well it’ll have a meaning depending on how you interpret it. I typed it without much thought. If you have reacted to it, it can only mean that you are aware that you may suck, so you are trying to find out who it was that sucked in the hope that it wasn’t you.
I think beetroot was giving us advice on how to approach the breast of a pregnant lady.
yes, exactly that. Finally someone who understand me.
“If you have reacted to it, it can only mean that you are aware that you may suck, so you are trying to find out who it was that sucked in the hope that it wasn’t you.” - YOU are the ones who are the BALL LICKERS!
“I typed it without much thought.” - No. Fudging. Way.
yfook sucks, beriot licks?
The comments are starting to lack substance.
ecnatsbus kcal ot gnitrats era stnemmoc ehT.
Go hang a salami, I’m a lasagna hoG.
struh daeh yM
it was raining.
Guig and Yongfook if you ever wonder about these things….here is a simulator that is….how shall I say….uplifting….or oscillating? http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/bounceometer/shock.html
Shit…..from the UK, too….what bunch of pervs there….especially…YF ;)
Don’t forget the official 48 sexual positions as dictated by the Japanese government.
At least, that’s how it was described to me by the girlfriend. Maybe she wanted more variety and less anal, i don’t know.
But here’s a cuter version, if you don’t like CG models banging each other.
“here’s” is supposed to look like this.
gilgamesh, that is hot. I particularly like the ones with props (i.e. kotatsu, goban, and the red belt).
nice random tortoise thing in GEISHA & UTAMARO gilgamesh, couldn’t understand anything else. so is the tortoise introduced as some kind of sex toy?
Didn’t know Japanese people had sex as well?
You learn something new every day.
I’m British so I’m not allowed to enjoy sex - but I am slightly confused as to whether I’m now supposed to lie back and think of England or Japan.
I mostly think of nuclear holocausts anyway so It’s basically academic. By which I mean irrelevant. Not learn-ed.
Why aren’t you allowed to enjoy sex? and by whose decree?
Its true, we Britishers couldn’t enjoy sex after invading India and making a mockery of their sacred sexual texts. Its bad karma bestowed from the fannyflap of Vishnu.
And just like that, my day began with “Fannyflap of Vishnu”.
Like a nice hot cup of coffee, innit? I think it’s about time for another post YF. I want to murder stone golems now.
Yesss. Another post pwease. I’ve been sitting here since the last podcast and I have to keep shaking to prevent any blood clot related deaths.
Come now, surely you have other forms of entertainment to indulge in. Such as, oh I don’t know, lesbiangrannymidgetcolostomybagsexpics?
For some of us, yongfook is our only source for lesbiangrannymidgetcolostomybagsexpics? I get my vegetable porn someplace else, but they haven’t updated for a long time.
I think this is my happy place.
I come here cos I can’t take my eyes off anything I have a morbid fascination with, like spiders, car crashes and fat Americans throwing food at eachother on Jerry Springer. YF is like all these things in one skin. Amen.
[points at yf.com’s taglines] “Sexier than a sexbot on maximum sex”? “Smitingly awesome”? Very nice, Narcissus. ;D
I personally don’t think Yongfook is a narcissist, I actually think he points fun at his self conscious self, therefore distancing himself from self obssesion. Obviously, I don’t know what Im talking about, but I know fully well that my fridge is devoid of any cheese which begs me to question; what do I eat with my crackers?
Little Jon, it is time for an update.
p.s. here is a new word for you to enjoy. Coitus interruptus.
Kj: I think I was making fun of his “poking fun of his self conscious self, therefore distancing himself from self obssesion”, er, -ness. [points at the ‘;D’ used]
Of course, I can’t be sure myself. Oh, and to answer your question:
“Cheese, Gromit, Cheese!” (really too bad you don’t have any. :D)
Guess what sport I’ve been discussing in English lessons this week…
Football. Obese Americans throwing food at each other. Mind reading. How the hell do I know.
and these are the depictions that they don’t hang on the walls of the Indian Restaraunt WC…
Don’t Japanese school children sex each other enough as it is?
You were supposed to make an educated guess based on the knowledge that they just won the baseball World Series. I expected none of you would do that. I was not disappointed.
I thought as much, but how is that interesting to me?
yongfook is hot. but sucks penis. however his english banter is very enlightening.
What is with the fixation on pandas? Maybe I am not getting the significance of pandas… I wonder how pandas have sex… They sure as hell don’t lay eggs… Great! Now I have an unexplained fascination with pandas… I blame you…
[…] So some guy was downloading porn, and in a giant zip file he realized there was other stuff in there that he wasn’t expecting. Lots of random paintings of Indian kama sutra positions. He made a blog entry about them and titled it ‘10 sex positions you shouldn’t try’ … some of the pictures are pretty damn funny too. « Hi-Res Hotties […]
it s strange i did never like those position..
aguanante los pajeros de petardas
ME CHUPA LA PIJA INGLESES DE MIERDA NO ENTIENDO NADA PAJERO CULO ROTO
llah yan3al din dyamakom al khab a zwamel
docadores dial al castelle kolhom zwamel ou wlad lakhab ou khashoum li whawihom ou ana howa li radi nhawihom il zobir ou khalil ana ismi moussa chentouf ou bilal radi nhawiwe spaña kamela okokoko be zabi zabi a welad lakhab
Was that a hookah enema? Was this done by a child smiling in front of a TV screen?
so wrong. so wrong.
that was the funniest thing i’ve seen in ages :D i’ve always wanted to see what the pictures in a karma sutra book looked like but its too embarrassing to look at one in a book store. thanks for letting me see this :D
Welcome Blog Free Promotion Plan! http://666.rsslite.com
[…] Here is a collection of Indian erotic art with some very funny captions added. (Probably not office safe). […]
What’s up with the garland of tapeworms or whatever festooning the hapless female in The Stone Golem? Is that some special implement we westerners need to learn about?
[…] Finally, for an idea of what you shouldn’t try at home without extensive instruction, supervision or sex furniture, study these Indian illustrations. Then step carefully away from your computer and enroll in a yoga class or twelve. […]
…..weird and strange…. but funny.
[…] Yongfook does it again. […]
[…] Here’s a funny gallery of erotic Indian art with snide commentary. My favorite is this image of a lady with her hookah, nozzle not being sucked in the usual way: […]
YF looks like one handsome devil.
damn good!
hey i would like 2 make sex with u.. in a position would u??
i like to make sexy with u
i like a boy how can do it hard and if it herts i like it alot and it must be big
I don’t understand the knot! What is going on in that one.
hi, are you living in NY?
have you seen web site japanese sex blog?
TU LO Q ERES ES ROLO D MARICO KBRON YO LAS HE HECHO TODAS ROLITRANCO D MAMAGUEVO
what a bummer! it seems u have read the pirated pictorial version of the book. orjust fooling around with these images.
[…] Poor Indians. Must be like tossing a kebab through a Taj Ma-Hallway. Kinda makes you wonder about that whole Kama Sutra thing — were all those painfully athletic positions conceived to overcompensate for their inadequacy between the rugs? […]
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Contorted postures! Kinky! This one got me laughing out loud, except the part of the bloody vagina. That’s just… ouch…
Could you please post the other kamasutra positions you have? The last one shows a tabacco vaginal flush it stimulates the vagina.
Rani
hello
Haha, i gonna luv this blog. :D
wat da fuck does have anything to do wit pandas sygnificance
[…] To get you started here is a sample post I discovered: 10 Sex Positions You Shouldn’t Attempt […]