Cow Tongue Onigiri
Now, I’m fully aware that some people eat tongue quite normally. However, I’m also aware that the majority of those people are continental Europeans, which means the history of tongue-based cuisine can probably be traced back to some guy called “Jean” who got totally pissed up on vin de table and made a bet with friends that if he ate a cow’s tongue it would enable him to converse fluently in Cow.
For many normal people though (by “normal people” I mean close-minded pussies like myself), there is a certain amount of fear and disgust associated with eating tongue, brought upon by these considerations:
The tongue is an organ and organs are not meat. This is a concept that both the continental Europeans and the Japanese, in all their offal hard-on glory, fail to understand.
The tongue is a little penis-like, which offends my delicate British sensibilities.
The tongue is exposed. The tongue is not safely tucked away under some valuable pelt, the tongue is located in a wide-open orifice, and it touches all of the animal’s food, making it almost as disgusting as eating an animal’s shit canal.
Particularly in the case of the cow, that last point is crucial. I’m not sure if the first person ever to eat cow tongue actually knew this, but cows EAT THEIR OWN PUKE. Eating a cow tongue is therefore like eating meat that has been pickled in BILE.
Japan is a nation partial to a bit of bile though, so they are more than happy to devour cow-puke-covered cow organs, and have celebrated this by stuffing cow tongue into the ubiquitous onigiri.
Ahhh onigiri. The pie of the east. Standard form factor, hundreds of fillings. The onigiri is almost the perfect snack food in that it comes in myriad variations ensuring that most people will find a flavour they like, and yet it is also made out of real food (primarily rice and seaweed) lending it the kind of legitimacy as a genuine food product that items like the rotten, beany mess that is nattou can never hope to achieve.
As something of a warm-up to my scheduled 48 hours on nothing but onigiri ramadan special, I thought it would be a good idea to explain what onigiri actually are, with this review.
A regular, vanilla onigiri is a simple triangle of compressed rice. It doesn’t have to contain anything, and it doesn’t have to be wrapped in dried seaweed - it can simply be just rice. And Japanese people. Go. Fricking. Nuts. Over these. If you put an onigiri in a child’s lunchbox, they shit themselves with glee. If you have a picnic and break out some onigiri, everyone shits themselves with glee. Onigiri are compact little glee-shit causing machines and yet they are merely the most fundamental and boring part of a Japanese person’s everyday diet fashioned into a triangle. Imagine the same situation in England, if a mother gave her child a boiled potato for lunch. The child would be whisked off by social services. Try that in America? The child could probably sue her mother’s face off. However whilst this orgasmic reaction to plain, pressed rice often leaves me puzzled, I can fully appreciate the brilliance and downright tastiness of some of the filled versions.
A filled onigiri will have a tiny space in the middle stuffed with some kind of delicious, nuggety bounty. Popular fillings include konbu (a type of kelp), umeboshi (pickled plum), and tarako (fish minge paste) but as with all products in Japan, different seasons bring along with them various, exciting types of seasonal onigiri, such as one of my current favourites - “Bulgogi” Onigiri, which must mean that it is currently Koreantumn.
This however, is Cow Tongue Onigiri.
Cow Tongue Onigiri is only good for one thing and that’s proving that gross things are even grosser when cold. There are not many things can make me wretch even before I have even put it in my mouth, but I guess chilled, congealed cow tongue covered in a kind of non-food-specific slime is one of them.
Appearance
You know in Empire Strikes Back when Han Solo cuts open the tauntaun and it’s stinking, rubbery guts all spill out? That’s what the manufacturers have clearly put inside this onigiri, although I am still unsure as to how they raised the hundreds of billions of dollars necessary to fund the inter-galactic space flight to Hoth. The onigiri lost further points by having a stray piece of tongue gristle greet me after I unwrapped the first layer of packaging. That’s a bit of an onigiri faux pas - being such a fervently revered national institution, it spoils the integrity of the onigiri if you can see bits of what’s inside messily stuck to the exterior. It would be like Dame Shirley Bassey doing a Royal Gala performance with a bulging camel-toe. Rating: 2/5
Taste / Smell
No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the thought of bile out of my head. Chewy, with a generic msg-laden savoury taste. Rating: 2/5
Fear Factor
Not so much simply the fact that it was tongue, but cold, congealed tongue, all chopped up and going grey. You know, like the stuff they put in Chicken McNuggets instead of chicken. Rating: 4/5
Health Implications
There are very few caveats to eating an onigiri, even one from a convenience store. Low in fat (a few grams only), and way less calories than say, a bag of crisps - you could do much worse than a conbini onigiri if all you want is a little energy boost. Just don’t get the tongue ones. Rating: 4/5
Final Rating: 2/5
“Fuck me, its rice! YEESSS!!!!”
I too am still amazed at this incredible overreaction of the Japanese to something they eat, EVERY FUCKING DAY.
The bizarre thing is though that nowadays I actually crave rice if I haven’t eaten it that day. Is there some kind of a rice conspiracy going on here, is it cut with cocaine? Is that why you can only buy white rice in this country???
Right now, my mom is counter-suing, since my failing to enjoy my potato caused her ‘deep emotional distress,’ but I think I can beat her on the appeal. Word has it, the District judge hates Irish people with a passion.
i’m sure you’ve kissed worse things/girls/boys
I think the difference between a British mother giving her child a plain boiled potato and a Japanese mother giving plain rice (totally plain, unseasoned rice?) is that the rice is…triangular. And rice is more important to Japanese (or most Asian) people as a symbol and food source than potatoes/other starches or grain are to Brits. Do Japanese people really eat plain blocks of rice? Hell, I’ve eaten plain rice, but those instances were more out of desperation than hunger. If the rice were shaped into something instead of simply paddled it into my bowl while thinking, “Oh god, this is what I’ve come to,” then it would’ve been more fun to eat.
I’d try cow tongue onigiri if I saw it, but I doubt they’ll be appearing on the shelves over here.
disgusting.
Mate… That ain’t bad at all, considering that in Chile, I accidentally ordered a local cow tongue dish once that came raw. I swear right about then, it was a 10/5 on the fear factor scale and a -20/5 on the taste scale!
Man… Cow tongue is just nasty. Yes, I have eaten some a long time ago. Thanks for reminding me of the horror.
cow tongue fried tepanyaki style is actually quite nice… it tastes like beef but with a softer texture.
nope. me not japanese.
So if you ate cow tongue, and there was some tongue on tongue action, then you kind of frenched a cow…a dead cow…i’m pretty sure thats not cool
cow tongue is considered to be a delicacy in some south east asian countries. cow brain too. it’d be interesting to try cow brain onigiri.
To be totally honest, I shit myself with glee the first time I had onigiri, and I wasn’t a kid. I knew it was umeboshi-flavoured, I even knew what umeboshi was, but all that didn’t stop the excitement of eating a triangular, seaweed-wrapped rice puck with plum inside. I thought it would be like eating a jelly doughnut, but it wasn’t. I haven’t had onigiri since then, but that might change now that cow tongue is an option.
Ooooooh. But onigiri is so ~cute~. I guess that’s why Japanese people love it so much. Some enterprising Korean student just started selling onigiri in convenience stores in Adelaide, Australia. It’s such a surprise, but I’m enjoying it while I can >_
the visuals aren’t as bad as what you had up for the nattou, which resembled snot/phlegm/semen covered beans. would you say the cow tongue was worse?
What what what? Cow tongue is delicious, I eat as much as I can rip out of any cow stupid enough to be standing next to a psychopath with pliers.
The real question is why are the Japanese still so obsessed with rice. And yes Robyn I’ve seen Japanese people nearly wet themselves after being given some plain rice, and it wasn’t even triagular.
The potato takes the same place in Western Eurpean culture as rice does in Asia, its the tasteless crap that everyone had to eat when they couldn’t afford anything better. It boils down (fuck me thats the best pun I’ve come up with all year) to the simple need for carbohydrates and calories. The thing is, everyone in England knew it tasted like shit so now that we have supermarkets, credit cards and space monkeys we eat NICE food… like pasta, steak and whathaveyou.
But the Japanese’ll stare at you and call you a weirdo for putting red pepper on your ramen… cos duh! everyone knows you can ONLY eat ramen with black pepper, right! So yeah, I mean plain rice is still the best food in the world…why would we want to eat something that had some taste???
Hmmmmm cow tongue paté…
I was brought up in France. I’m off to chug back some vin de table now, maybe with some pickled ocelot’s noses. :D
to katie,
im assuming you’ve sucked human cock before. sucking a live throbbing pee/bacteria-infested male organ cant be that much “cooler” than “frenching” a cow’s tongue that has been cooked and santized.
no comment…?? juss don’t even want to think about it….
ewww..! barfs.. >
Eating cow tongue may not be British but it’s certain a European food item. I’m in the US and we have “tongue” luncheon meat brought over from by Jewish arrivees to America and usually anything they eat is also prevelant (non-kosher) in Central or Eastern European food cultures. I also believe that German & Italian headcheese contains ‘tongue.’ It’s not something I eat but just because it protrubes out of the bosy doesn’t make it gross or bile - if it’s edible, it’s edible. For instance, are beef testicles more palatable to you because they stay “inside” the body? It’s not like you just just cut off the body part and eat it right there on the spot. If you eat root vegetables, does it bother you that it’s in the dirt with worms and grubs? Or that it was fertilized with cow manure or perhaps some night time animal urinated near it? You could go on all day or all night about what’s gross - yes, certain foods look more appetizing than others but while we might think a nice octopus is intriguing looking, others are grossed out - I think it’s best to appreciate all the varieties of things humans are willing to eat - I’m not saying you have to enjoy everything but you shouldn’t mock something others readily eat - because I’m sure there are plenty of things you love that can/would be questioned by others …
Tongue is pretty tasty - well, at least oxtongue/lunch tongue. My (Chinese) mother brought me up eating it, and I was rather surprised one day in school when I told someone what was in my sandwich and they looked at me like I’d just announced I was eating toenail salad. Thing is, I’m in a little suburb of Glasgow, and I can buy tongue in my local supermarket or butcher’s - so I’m obviously not the only one who likes it.
Mind you, I also love haggis. Say what you will about that - I’m fairly sure that quite a few people would rather eat jellied-tongue onigiri than our wonderful national dish.
Also, potatoes kick ass. I pity anyone who has only ever choked down tasteless potatoes in an attempt to provide his body with carbohydrates.
What about chicken feet? Pig’s intestines? Do they have it there? Does the mere thought of it makes you want to pee in your pants?
In Beijing? Try some sheep penis and goose blood (maybe you should re-think the goose blood for now).
Hmmmmm-come to think of it: slice up the sheep penis and allow to marinate in champagne vinegar with pinch of sugar, salt and pepper, a bit of olive oil and sliced onions. Add cubed goose blood and drained capers - chill - lovely for a luncheon salad or first course.
gyuu taan - oiishii dattebayo! yf, go order cow tongue that’s been sliced thinly and grilled. trust me, its umaiii.
but anyhows lemme just point out that onigiri is not PLAIN rice - it’s rice that’s been seasoned with slashings of vinegar. really. among other things. some people i know swear by a little sugar, salt, sake in addition to the vinegar. really.
that’s why rice is nice. you ought to come to SE Asia, where we eat PLAIN rice. haha. although of course not exclusively.
ed > I’ve been here for 3 years. I’ve had tongue at yakiniku plenty of times. When grilled and sliced thinly like that then dipped in lemon tare, it’s highly palatable. I mean anything would be.
This however, is a different beast. Congealed, cold, jellified tongue is in a different taste/experience hemisphere to anything freshly chargrilled.
I’m pretty sure that regular vanilla onigiri is actually salted rice. The salt stops the rice from congealing quite as quickly, but by happy coincidence, and as any master chef will tell you, salt is the only ingredient that matters, whatever you happen to be cooking. That is the reason the kids shit themselves with glee. I consider it akin to putting a boiled potato with Marmite in it in a kids lunch box. They’ll shit themselves alright!
i miss bovril. the beef extract type. not the namby pamby veg extract nonsense they have now. and the chicken one just doesnt quite cut it.
marmite’s the same thing innit? just smellier?
talking about shit canals, do cows, y’know, lick other cows’ uh… places?
Cow Tongue Onigiri sounds good to me. Beef noodle is one of my favorite food in Malaysia here especially those with beef tongue… cant wait to taste the onigiri!
Sorry to be a tight assed food bitch about this BUT tongue is a muscle - not an organ. That’s why one needs to braise it for a decade before it becomes edible. I live in San Francisco so I have to make my own onigiri. One day I was having a peacefull lunch hour in the park eating my tuna onigiri. A rather attractive Japanese woman was sitting next to me. She shat herself when she saw my onigiri and learned that I made them. Onigiri is a good way to get pussy in San Francisco.
O_O your blog (food review part) reminds me of Japan soooo much!! I miss Japan!! But now they have COW TONGUE onigiri??!! oooh geeeeez.
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I worked in a slaughter house for a few years and got a lot of beef tongues free. I made them into pastrami and smoked them. Heavenly!!
omfg i love onigiris!! too bad can’t get them here in Malaysia.. as in those prepacked ones.. so i have to make em myself!! omfg nice
looks like somethin’ the Ewoks might eat lol..if this was really Tauntan meat , i think luke might have just died in it
Eww.. that made me lose my appetite.. and its just around supper time
Yuck
Tongue has been a staple of the New York Kosher delis for about a hundred years. It is served pickled, chilled and sliced on nice Jewish rye bread. On sandwiches, it’s best with nice deli mustard.It can also be served as sweet and sour and is quite delicious as an appetizer or main dish. This Sunday I was at Katz’s Deli and although I would have wanted a good tongue sandwich, I got hot pastrami instead. This is the deli where “Harry Met Sally.”
A few years ago, tongue was very hard to get here. I was told that it was being sent to Japan! THIS is what they do to our delicacy????
My husband, of the same New York Jewish background, was once sent on a business trip to Ohio. When he tried to order a tongue sandwich, the waitress thought he was trying to come on to her and got pissed!
I’m a native Japanese, and definitely love sliced tongue at Yakiniku outlets, but I do not think I would like to have Gyutan Onigiri. The mere idea is simply not appetising… (>
The tongue is not an organ. It’s most certainly muscle.
It tastes soo good, you just gotta try it. i’m serious
Cow tongue rocks. I need to get myself one of those when I go to Japan.