KISS MY FACE
Melty Kiss clearly takes the prize for the most sexually explicit product name ever, until we see things like “Rimming flavour chips”, “Beef Jerky Off On My Face” or “Fisting Candy Push Pops”.
In the same way that Aki Aji signals the coming of autumn in Japan, Melty Kiss is our commercial barometer to signal the coming of winter. The empress of all winter snacks, Melty Kiss is a type of soft chocolate that has a wistfully romantic image and is probably something that single middle-aged women eat boxes and boxes of whilst tending to their 8 cats and watching Sex In The City.
Ask any Japanese person why Melty Kiss is only sold in Winter and the answer will be alarmingly uniform. It is commonly believed that Melty Kiss would, well, melt during any other season but Winter and Japanese people will tell you this with a kind of wide-eyed madman’s stare that lets you know of their absolute conviction. I often prod Japanese people at this point to check that they haven’t in the last few seconds spontaneously transmigrated to a parallel dimension where refrigerators have suddenly ceased to exist, but no, they definitely still have both feet in conventional reality. I’m tempted then to open my mouth and say something to the effect of,
“why not use a refrigerator in summer?”
But that would be what I have come to refer to as devastatingly sensical.
In Japan, as a foreigner you are faced with situations where the answer is often too devastatingly sensical for the Japanese mind to comprehend and you are forced to just bite your tongue and agree that yes, chocolate in summer would be an abomination, or you open your mouth and create chaos and suffering for all those around you.
A simple example:
I am in McDonalds and I ask for BBQ sauce with which to dip my fries in. “Sorry“, the perky be-capped employee tells me, “you only get sauce if you buy Chicken McNuggets“. “What?” I splutter, “ok, well look, I can pay extra, I have money here, how much for a pack of BBQ sauce?“. The young lady’s face drops as she realises that the training session failed to mention anything about these circumstances, and she shuffles off to get the manager - who will have equally no clue as to the correct protocol. Eventually phone calls to the regional branch are required to ascertain whether, essentially, money can be exchanged for goods and services. Bad gaijin! You’ve been devestatingly sensical.
If anyone in Japan reading this feels that at some point they too have been devastatingly sensical, please let us know of the circumstances in the comments section
Appearance
Each Melty Kiss is individually wrapped and takes the form of a little cube of chocolate. Cute. 3/5
Taste / Smell
Melty Kiss’ texture is soft and butter-like. You are apparently supposed to eat Melty Kiss by letting it dissolve on your tongue, but that’s far too much like sex for me and I’m a no-nonsense Brit so I just chew the things. Delicious, if you like chocolate. 4/5
Fear Factor
Close to zero. 0/5
Health Implications
Not all that good - turns out buttery chocolate has more fat content than regular chocolate. Whodathunkit. 1/5
Final Rating: 4/5
SUPER AWESOME EXTRA CONTENT
Let your fear be your barometer when choosing food for review. Rest assured that the reason this review was uncharacteristically un-funny is because you thought you could get away with eating… chocolate… and then reviewing it! Shamelessly combining work with pleasure in such a manner earmarks you as a fatcat of the corporate Internet heirarchy!
funny. last year when we were in tokyo, we convinced the wendy’s to give us cheese sause for our fries. i’m not really sure that they charged us for it, cuz it certainly did cause tremendous confusion. in the end, they just gave us some to get us away i think.
I love Meltykisses….beats dry old UK choc anyday!
(comment on your desk pic on flickr)
dude? Starbucks? Get thee to am/pm and sample 1l of Koiwai Lact Coffee.
Nectar of the f-in gods. Even better with a fresh bataru from Pompadour, but I guess the closest store to you is in Roppongi or Shinjuku.
man I miss Tokyo. Well, the good bits at least.
Too right, T. This disturbing trend of reviewing devastatingly edible foods (beer, chips, chocolate) must stop. If the mere thought of it doesn’t make you gag, quiver, or go into mad convulsive giggles punctuated by screams, it doesn’t belong in a YF food review, does it?
On a completely unrelated note, look what turned up in the “men seeking men” section of Craigslist.
http://santabarbara.craigslist.org/m4m/110392251.html
What could account for this? Is Yongfook’s secret identity a Californian gay man? Have the gods that listen to wayward prayers created a Yongfook clone that actually wants to be butt-fucked?
Stop complaining. If he gave us gold every single time (I didn’t see anything wrong with the review btw), we’d eventually get tired of it, complain even harder, and end it all by storming japan in hovercrafts, simultaneously, and burn every building until we found YF and hung him by his testicles. At least this way, we stay sane. Sort of.
What was I talking about?
@ T: Two words for you. Stomach. Infection. As much as I enjoy puking up air and pissing out of my bum, I’m not touching anything weird for a little bit.
@ ichi: Haha. Those are old photos too. So what, like my current photos aren’t good enough to use in a gay bum sex advert? tsk.
Asahi rawks my sawks fo shizzle in my dizzle.
P/s: Your licking the kitkat thingy would be MORE appealing to men actually, since it was a stick-like looking thing and stick-like looking things usually represent PENISES.
sure, in YOUR mind. slut.
ooooooh. you’re beginning to look like an Asian Rupert Everett. I don’t know how much more hotness I can stand. You and MeltyKisses together. It’s too much. swoon
When I worked in juku, I made a “how to write the alphabet handout” that was harshly criticized by my (Japanese) boss as not being serious work. Her reasoning was that my handout didn’t follow standard stroke order or relative size standards. After a lengthy argument I at least got a little notice in the corner of the monbusho-approved writing standards handout stating that “in gaikoku, these rules are not universal” or something like that. Of course, a native speaker could never have the sway of an official government agency, that would be … logical.
Hey there Pukey MacHurley, how was the vomit festival? Feeling frisky after all that tasty bile?
I know that your stomach lining is hurting from the menstrual cramps you just suffered, but can’t you review something a little more interesting than chocolate? It wasn’t even scary. Yes, i know this is your blog and you can review what ever the fuck you want to review, but there was absolutely no fear factor in the last review. I’m sure Japan has loads of fermented crap that can keep you entertained for hours and hours.
I expect more YF. You know you can do better. Do it for the children.
Here in the States, they also give you a hard time about asking for BBQ sauce–or any sauce traditionally used to enhance the flavor of chicken mcnuggets–if you haven’t ordered nuggets. It must be a part of their global policy. In my experience, which is probably pretty dated, a sympathetic clerk will surrender a packet of BBQ or honey mustard sauce for french fry-dipping purposes only after leveling you with a firm scowl, if at all.
i actually think, yf, that you should wink and smile at the server and ask if they could give you a pack of bbq sauce… it works with aunties, i’m sure you could pull it off with anyone behind the counter.
that or you could simply just reach over the counter once their backs are turned and help yourself.
One time I told a Japanese person white rice is actually really bad for you, all sugar and insulin spikes. Needless to say, they killed me.
>_
Oi ichi, what were you doing at Craigsli-…. ok wait, don’t answer that.. I don’t want to know. Re: fuckstress… those were THIN, SMALL, stick-like things. What exactly are you implying about yf?
Maple Syrup Kit-Kat’s? dies of DM
I haven’t visited your site in awhile. Nice to see you are still out there.
Btw, it’s hot mustard sauce that owns. Not bbq.
Is be-capped really a word? And I don’t blame you for not wanting to eat anything questionable after losing most of your digestive organs. After all, chocolate is comforting. Not all of us can be adventurous risk-takers…
Arse. I did a great reply, and then the shitty wireless connection ate it.
My most obvious piece of “devastating sense” is that at the University that I go to here, the International Student Centre is staffed by people who can ONLY speak Japanese, except for one woman, who can speak broken english. These people are supposed to be the support network, and deal with any problems that the students may have (the most popular exchange programme advertises that the classes will be taught in English), however trying to express any problems is a fucking nightmare. The only way to do it is to go with your tutor (most of whom have fantastic english) or a teacher. I would have thought it would be devastatingly sensical to actually have staff there who COULD UNDERSTAND ENGLISH, rather than necessitating having to have a translator there at all times.
Back in the early 80s, a neighbor of ours had two teenage nieces visit from Holland. We all played the violin, we got along royally —- and they especially enjoyed the fact that I had my own car (even if it was a piece of shit Chevrolet, rusted out so badly that it was one speedbump at 40 miles an hour away from being a Flintstone mobile. But I digress.)
I would take them around town, anywhere they wanted to go, anything they would like to see. But each outting always included them wanting to eat at McDonalds. Nothing made them happier, and they would boast about that in phone calls back home.
However, there was always confusion ordering. They always wanted mayo and/or tartar sauce to dip their french fries in (years prior to Pulp Fiction!), but McDonalds always answered with the same thing: you can only mayo/tartar with the fish sandwich. No amount of pleading could convince them to hand over two small packets of this white Midwestern gold instead of a pack of ketchup.
After the second time, I just started ordering the fish sandwich so I could graciously give my guests the dipping sauce of their choice.
To this day, every now and again, they’ll comment, “You don’t eat much hamburger, do you?” :-)
That’s right. Say my name, bitch.
ErosLane, were they hot? I can’t see forcing myself to eat the Filet-O-Fishsubstance just so a couple of plain girls in clogs could so unamericanly dip their freedom fries.
isn’t yf looking cute with his wooly hat? oh if you ‘EVAR’ see ice wine truffles anywhere, you should taste them, or use all your charms and wit to steal some if it comes down to it.
I love melty kiss!! try the one in green tea flavour! they’re nice and the health implication for it might be slightly higher than the strawberry ones.. hehe
What!!! no natto flavored “Meltykisses”?????
Ok, wait. They wouldn’t give you mayo, ErosLane? Unless you ordered the fish? And this was in the USA? I know that that in Germany they charge you extra for ketchup, etc., and I’m also familiar with the whole mayo thing. (I hate them both - mayo and ketchup, but still.) But in the Midwest? They didn’t just shove ten unopenable packets of the stuff at you when you asked? Do you live in the North American equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle?
that’s so high in CALORIES lol watch your weight
adam: no white rice is good for you. I bet my health is better than yours, adam.
sorry about the blatant grammatical errors! happy thanksgiving : )
Suuuuure your health is better than Adam’s…that’s why the cool kids always called you Whale Blubber at school right?
I bought my first box of Meltykiss on just the same day. The Friday evening of November 11th. I just added them to the pile of unnecessary snacks I’ve built up but the next morning I saw your post and had to eat them. And take photos of them.
I love the title of this post. It reminds me a lot of Alan Partridge, but I suppose that’s not the reference and you might not even know who I’m talking about.
Anyway, I had to wait 4 whole days for google video to approve my upload so that I could make this comment!
Alan Partridge saying “kiss my face”
“I love the title of this post. It reminds me a lot of Alan Partridge, but I suppose that’s not the reference and you might not even know who I’m talking about.”
Right, because Alan Partridge is probably one of the funniest anti-hero style characters in modern British comedy on TV after David Brent and Andy Millman.
Nope, wouldn’t know him.
SMELL MY CHEESE.
Ah good. Sorry, I didn’t want to presume…
SMELL MY CHEESE YOU MOTHER!
I don’t want to rip on your skills with a camera, particularly as the above photo makes the Meltykiss look so sexy lounging on satin sheets but the lighting angle has obscured the best/worst bit of the packaging. The fluffy powdery cocoa on the outside of each unit, which isn’t really there when you unwrap a Meltykiss but was the selling point for me.
fluffy Meltykiss photo, no satin sheets
After going shopping for snacks all of about half an hour ago, I really can’t understand WHY they think that MeltyKiss couldn’t stand being sold at any other time. It wasn’t melting that quickly when I held it. I choose to believe it’s because of their marketing it as “melting like a snowflake” and having snowflakes on the packaging. I guess they think it must be difficult to come up with a new marketing angle.
BTW- after trying both letting it melt in my mouth and just chewing it- chewing it tastes a hell of a lot better. When it just melts, the strawberry centre ends up tasting like that fake yoghurt topping crap.
It’s more the fact that Japanese people base their lives and production on the “uniquely Japanese” four season year. Did you know that Japan is practically the only country in the world with four, count ‘em FOUR, seasons? They have done the understandable thing of marketing specifically to these seasons lest some ignoramus forgets what unique season it is at any given time.
i see melty kiss in hong kong all year round. does that mean the stores are selling old chocolate?
how many seasons are there besides the four i’ve known all my life?!?!?!
You must live in Japan, ed. All other countries only experience one or two, and if you’re LUCKY 3, seasons. If you came to Japan you’d see that the lives are changing. Bet you don’t have THAT in your country.
ani> damn, that’s a scary though. they sell meltykiss all year round in singapore, too. and… it doesn’t really melt as quickly, either. or just as quickly as other chocolates, i suppose. hmmmm.
Oh Christ. I meant the leaves are changing. What the hell is wrong with this dugong I got typing for me? Blubber in the brain…and possibly urethra.
What?
and i thought i was the only one who ate BBQ sauce with their fries at mcdonalds. food of the gods.
post-script: the trend in america is to carry around bottles of condiments, apparently. i don’t know if this would cut down on the confusion of asking for barbecue sauce or heighten it due to the fact you pull out a bottle of it from your pocket.
you mean the absence of fall and spring in other countries? where it goes from hot to rainy to cold to freezing and back again?
its usually always hot and humid where i am. rains 1 out of 3 days on average. wheee
imagine meltykiss being sold in victoria, australia … you get up to four seasons in ONE day over there. haha, clerks scrambling to clear the meltykiss off the shelves once the hail/snow clears and the torrential tropical rains/winds begin prior to the scorching, fly-infested heat.
TOTALLY OUT OF TOPIC ALERT.
Somebody was googling for “YONGFOOK GAY” and added up on my site! SHIT THIS IS SO AWESOME IT MAKES ME WANT TO MASTURBATE TO DUGONG PORN YEAHHHHHHH!
Don’t act like you need some kind of excuse to masturbate to dugong porn.
@ ed- I’m from Victoria. Just imagine it in Brisbane- you’d be able to display them for all of one day of the year.
someone searched “fuckstress” and ended up on my site. It was your dugong wasn’t it?
have i already mentioned that i love the comments as much as the blog?
so when’s the next update? maybe we should give yf suggestions as to what to review next?
i remember a particular meal at some onsen near tokyo (hakodate? i have no idea, took a 1-2 hr ride via chikatetsu i think) where i ended up having some sorta veg noodle set - highlight of which was the goopy stuff i had to dip my soba in - blearrrrggggghh
i think thats prolly why i remember it. vaguely yet digustedly.
the goopy stuff was probably “tororo”, a puree made from a kind of slimy potato. The puree itself has the consistency of frothy semen.
As for updates - I have 3 almost ready to go, and they will be unleashed all in one go, in an awesome bukkake wave of new content.
Team Tagging?!?! Is that what both of you are doing? I’m the meat between the sandwhich now? You dirty, dirty bastards.
I like it.
no-nonsense brit you say you are, so there is no time to waste for spit swapping, sloppy cunnilingus/blowjobs - just downright sex? proper brit.
I like.
so da!! that was it!
excuse while i go throw up.
Melty Kiss is sold in Singapore during November/December too. And we all know Singapore is summer all year round. That makes absolutely no sense at all. But that doesn’t matter, I get to eat my Melty Kiss and its yummy, so I shan’t quibble with how illogical it is. :)
I may have this spelled wrong but their was a Japanese chocolate called “Brandor” back in the 60’s & 70’s. No, it was not Marlon Brando’s testicles covered with chocolate but was a segmented chocolate bar with a teaspoon or so of brandy inside each segment. If my brain, which is in it’s geezerhood, remembers corectly, Brandor was taken from the market because school kids were getting drunk on it. It should have been taken off the market because the the brandy tasted like shit.
We went to Japan in May and loved the frozen “terriyaki hamburger” that they sold at the AM/PMs. Anyway, we decided to buy some on our last day and take it back to California, but when we asked the clerk to not microwave it so we can just take the frozen ones with us… he had the same “what the hell are you talking about, that is not how we do things here in Japan” kind of look and kindly explained that he can’t sell that to us. We tried to explain why we do not want to have it microwave, and after a few minutes…… He told us we could just buy the similiar ones in the frozen section. Ahhh. why didn’t you tell us that in the first place! lol.
…I like your voice. Yeah, you lick that KitKat…
You’ve probably heard that before. A lot. Oh well.
The little fit when you decided that the KitKat didn’t taste like wine, that made me smile. Whoo, you rock.