The Goddess of Beers
Just a quick review:
There are only a set few ways to please yongfook or get his attention.
1) tickle my bollocks a little.
2) quote Dune.
3) mention the name of any kind of alcohol.
Which is why when I came across a beverage in the convenience store that had both the words “beer” and “champagne” emblazoned across it’s front, I thought I had hit the jackpot and immediately started tickling my bollocks and whispering killing words to myself, to heighten the sense of euphoria.
Without wanting to turn this website into “YONGFOOK’S *HICCuip* BEER RevIW WEBSITR” which it is slowly becoming thanks to my steady descent into alcoholism, I thought I would give this drink a mention. Because what with it’s mellow, golden colouring, the word “champagne” on the front and a fancy French name, you could be forgiven for thinking for a split second that “Bonne Biere” was in fact some budget, canned champagne, or maybe a beverage that contained some champagne. But you’d be wrong.
For this is not some kind of magical beer-champagne hybrid - a pairing that sounds as beautiful as it does slightly mismatched, like a doner kebab made out of a swan - as much as I hoped it would be when I hastily purchased several cans of it in the store. No, this is special beer made with barley from the Champagne region of France. Or to put it another way, it’s what people in the Champagne region of France call “beer”.
Unfortunately for the region of Champagne, the name “Champagne” is so synonymously linked to the expensive, sparkling white wine that for any other product from the region it’s a perfectly natural reaction for outsiders to think “so wait, does that mean it tastes of champagne?” even though on reflection, that doesn’t make any sense, grapes being an altogether totally different crop to barley. This must cause “hilarious” conundrums for tourists and shop keepers:
“ooh look, champagne soap!”
“no no sir, it’s Champagne soap. It’s soap from Champagne, this region. It doesn’t smell of-”
“ooh look, champagne chocolate!”
“again, sir, it’s locally made chocolate - Champagne chocolate, if you will, but it doesn’t taste of-”
“I see you sell prostitutes here too. Do they taste…”
“no. but their pee smells of it.”
So as much as it PAINS ME to say it - because it confirms that I cannot resist the awesome power of blatant advertising tricks - this beer tastes…a little like champagne. Sure, it’s not exactly 500ml of Veuve Clicquot in a can, but there is definitely an ever so slightly sweet, white wine-like aftertaste. I say “definitely” but is there actually? Or can I taste champagne simply because my primitive brain automatically sees “champagne” on the can and sends a message to my tongue saying “yeeep yep yep that’s champagne, just relax I’ve done your work for you”.
Appearance
Comes in a can, like most beers, apart from the ones in eastern bloc Europe where they squeeze it right out of the potatoes and into your hands. It’s also a very light beer…hey…it kinda looks like champagne too! BAAHAHAHHHHHHHH kill me kill me now. So in summary: Beer-like. Rating: 4 / 5 (I like beer-like things).
Taste / Smell
It is, in a nutshell, a symphony of wondrous delight and it all happens in your mouth. It evokes a sensation not unlike being invited to your very first gangbang and discovering that no other men were invited - it’s just you and 16 women, all of whom find you immensely attractive. It’s a gastronomic bukkake and you are in the middle. It’s the Goddess of Beers. Dangerously drinkable. Rating 4.5 / 5
Fear Factor
None. It’s beer for fricks sake. Rating: 0 / 5
Health Implications
Looking at the nutrition info on the can, it seems to only have 43 calories per 100ml. Then again this can is, what, 500ml? Frick it. More champeer! Rating: 3 / 5
Final Rating: 10 / 5. Delicious.
Oh and just for fun:
My blog is worth $89,761.86.
How much is your blog worth?
That’s all very well but the website fails to mention where I collect my eighty-nine THOUSAND dollars.
You must like Miller High Life, the “Champagne of Beers”…
Hey man, just saw that you are now working with Gizmodo.com…Omedetou! That site’s been in my li’l Daily Sites bookmarks for a while. Cool “Feature”..hopefully they’ll advertise you a little bit so we know it’s you when you post!
-LoKi Out
Hey Fook? Look at me!!
“…Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. “
Dune rocks.
Hey, Fook. HEY, YONGFOOK! (lightly tickles the bollocks) Now that I have your attention, I just thought that I would tell you about an item that we had for a while here in the U.S. It was called “Champale”, and it was, indeed, a marvelous mixture of cheap beer and even cheaper champagne. My naughty Uncle Dave introduced me to it, as everyone’s naughty Uncle is wont to do. Haven’t seen it around in a while, but if I do, you can expect a six-pack the next time I visit Tokyo!
Sweet. Where do I collect my $0.00? I’ll be waiting for that check signed to me from Mr. World Wide Web to arrive in my mailbox anyday now.
I can’t say how beautiful that imagery of being invited to a first gang bang was. That was just like my first time, but instead of there being all women there, it was just my hands and a pornographic film about old people on welfare. I’m not sure it was pornographic actually, but it was hot.
It’s called “Champale”, not “Champeer”…tosspot.
BTW, I just learned that word “tosspot” from an expat Brit I work with…i’m trying to work it into every sentence I can…especially whilst I go to work drunk on Champale….errr, Champeer….eerrr, hooker piss…FOOK!
how did these olives get to the bottom of my Martini when I specifically remember putting them in at the top?
I can only hope your pee doesn’t smell like champagne after the steadly increasing number of drinks of this “Bonne Biere”. And I can really tell that this person was extremely creative in naming his product “Good Beer”… literally
[…] Whilst I am still able to laugh at the previous post with our Australian friend getting beaten up by a Japanese binman, I’m really not a fan of undeniably deserved poetic justice when it involves me in any way. Had to happen sooner or later I suppose, but it looks like I have a stomach infection which has left me bed-ridden for the last couple of days. Well, I say bed-ridden but actually I’m flitting between bedroom and bathroom on quite a regular rotation, since keeping food down (or in) is proving extremely difficult. […]
My blog is worth $564.54. I can’t figure out whether this shoud make me happy or sad.
Found your page when i was searching for japanese food. = =; not what i had in mind, but once i find where you are.. i will steal all your snacks =P wahh haa haa dun mind me im just a past-by’r is that a word? wells bye great site
I wonder if they got the idea from Miller High Life — “The Champagne of Beers” and decided to go the metaphor one better.
I like the can…
comprise,Bancroft deviant!offs Raphael.tourists
Haha, you used the word “bollocks”. Because you’re British. Oh, the mirth.
implicants?inheritances!aromatic energies revered Mudd?worldwide!
Is that you Stoney? Kinda thought you’d be sober by now? Love, Paulie