No sex please, I’m a gynecologist
Welcome to the semi-all-new-now-with-more-oxymorons YONGFOOK.COM!!
The main changes are typographic, with a couple of layout brush ups such as the new sidebar on the far right that displays the last 10 food reviews, acting as a constant, guilt-inducing reminder for me to actually write one, as well as making it easy for visitors to see if there is anything new.
Also the front page now shows 3 full length posts, which makes it a bit more practical for me to post more often.
About the above photo -
In a nutshell, I thought I was being clever. Dressing up as a gynecologist for halloween was my time-saving method of non-verbally vetting stupid women and / or women without a sense of humour, from chance interactions at a halloween party I went to at the weekend.
The idea was that - provided she had read and understood my nametag - any woman who I did happen to strike up a conversation with would have already passed the first test of being my ideal woman i.e. she has the ability to put up with how much of a grotesquely offensive cock I am.
However, I have come to the conclusion that all women are both stupid and humourless, since the amount of disapproval I got was as mind-blowing as it was genuinely unexpected, like asking someone for a lighter and them producing Gary Coleman from their back pocket to squeeze your testicles and run away laughing as you remain there frozen with fear.
I blame it on the clipboard, though.
Whilst my nametag, which read,
Jon Cockle PhD, Gynecologist - “Slightly cold hands but a consummate professional” - Judy Birchwood, satisfied client
…was all in good humour, my clipboard went perhaps a little too far. Throughout the night I was clutching a clipboard that had clipped to it assorted diagrams and illustrations of female genitalia ranging from a textbook-esque cross-section to a legs-in-stirrups smile-for-the-camera-please illustration complete with a comprehensive labeled run-down of all the different visible parts of a vagina. Men saw this as a reason to congratulate me, to shake my hand and say things like “I…well done. Just well done”. Of course, to women, my clipboard o’ genius was more like a great big sign exclaiming “Massive Loser, Tiny Penis” or “I wouldn’t say I’m insane, but I want to pay you for sex then kill you!”, which didn’t do wonders for the “chance interactions” mentioned above. No, most interactions went a little like this:
Me: Hey you are Keiko’s friend, aren’t you?
Her: Yeah! I’ve seen you before, you’re Jon right? So what did you comeARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHGHHGGHHHHHHGHG!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. THAT’S DISGUSTING. THAT’S FRICKING DISGUSTING.
Me: What, vulva? *points to vulva on clipboard*
Her: *smashes through plate glass window and escapes down the street, stabbing herself in the eyes as she runs, runs home*
Ah well there’s always next year.
Food reviews in the works:
Wine flavour Kit Kats
and the epic,
48 Hours On Nothing But Onigiri
Finally a few more pictures from halloween:
My friend Daniel on the left, dressed as a man wearing a bear’s head on his head.
As luck would have it, the only other person dressed as a doctor in the whole place happened to be a rather nice young lady with a skeletal but attractive pile of make-up fashioned into the shape of a human being as a friend. And even better, neither of them could understand the word “gynecologist”.
“Free pap smear, love? Hey, come back.”
Hope you like the new look - and there are probably still a few bugs to iron out, so bear with me.
cheers,
YF
oh and by the way everyone:
I know I need a fucking haircut.
Noooowwwww we’re blogging.
bit more bloggy isn’t it. First post on the new blog though - does that mean you’ve been sitting there hitting F5 for like the last 15 hours? I want to shake you by the hand.
Ok, I’ve actually read the post and have to say that people, in general, are not clever enough to appreciate true cleverness. I went as a Capitalist Pig (complete with pig nose, suit, and wads of cash spilling from my pockets. What I got was, “Wha-? Oh, OH, YOU’RE AMEEERICAN! MAR MAR MAAMMAMAMMSMMMMMMM HAVE YOU TRIED THESE JELLO SHOTS? MAAAAHH.” Which was then punctuated by them smashing the pig nose into my face. But I showed them. I drunked myself up reeeeeal good.
Do I have to answer your question? It might make ladies think less of me.
thinking less of you is still not as bad as where I am at since halloween. Good god I was offering PAP SMEARS. I have no idea how to do them either, so the whole night was just marred with complications.
Even with all those charts and everything? I think you’re just supposed to hold the stick out at groinal level, and the girl is supposed to do whatever she does, like gyrate or something. That’s how I do them…girls that is…not quite sure what a pap smear even is. If it’s anything like Pabst Beer it tastes fucking awful.
Better than me, for years I thought Pap Smear was a TV gameshow host. No actually, in preparation for becoming a gynecologist, I researched how to take a pap smear - it’s not nice. It involves words like “cervix”, which make me instinctively clutch my womb in agony.
Hey Jon!
Yes, I’m a kakure fan. I will be looking forward to the wine kit kat review! hakkiri yutte mazusou
bunny chan was real cute. The polar bear should have hooked up LOL
Oh Jon. So many things to go as and you chose cunt MD. Well done, I went as Jack Bauer from televisions 24. High on booze and red bull, ended up shooting my boss, beheading a witness and stealing a car, oh and becoming addicted to heroin. Oh so moreish. Oh yes and the telephone box out side my flat has been turned in to Mr Telephone box by the addition of a hat, how we laughed.
i like the onigiri whitespaces.. :D
come to castro next halloween
Email me Jon.
Yeah, haircut.
The girls look terrified. How long is it going to take you to realise that Totally British Humoured Guy does not equal 98 percent of the girls around where you’re living? Doesn’t this make you feel empty inside?
That’s a nice clipboard. How come the clipboards in Australia suck?
I’m just surprised that you went for the US spelling of “Gynecologist” instead of British english “Gynaecologist.”
Hell, if I’d been there I would have laughed.
Whilst most of the time I champion the cause of British spelling, I am a reasonable man, and I find the entire spectrum of “ae” words quite, quite ridiculous and prefer to use their “e” counterparts. That and it prevents people (and by people I mean “Americans”) coming up to me and saying “MAHHHHH YOU SPELT IT WRONG DIVVO!”.
Really? I once worked as a medical typist, so when I see medical words without the extra vowels it always makes me look at it twice before I understand it. But I can understand the avoidance of people yelling “you don’t know how to spell!” issue. There aren’t that many who would be able to spell it with the extra a.
mmmmmm…vulva…
Now what kind of human being wouldn’t find that funny? Girls are so rubbish. If a girl went to a Halloween party dressed as a cock doc, you know she would:
a) perhaps, for once, know her way around ’sharif the tent maker’ enough to avoid forcing you to use the dual controls (”I’m just gonna stop you there and explain what you’re doing wrong…”)
b) understand that humour overrides morality and thus be a damn site easier to live with
and
c) not pretend to be a prude, despite her total willingness to take a shot of baby gravy in the eye in a Top Shop changing room for anyone with a passing resemblance to Brad Pitt
That costume is an inspired time-saving strategy - high ten.
Oh man…that was both classy and oh so offensive…well not to me…but I don’t think my balls are big enough or steely enough to go as a gyno.
Good show.
I’d have found your outfit a riot. But then, I’m not big on costume parties. So never the twain shall meet huh.
i think they were probably more scared off by the scary facial hair growth.
and ok… maybe the graphics were a bit much…
That costume’s hilarious XD I can’t understand why chicks aren’t crawling all over you…oh well, weird Japanese.
gotta to be one of the most funniest most awesome entries EVER! if only there was the best entry award, you’re would win it hands down… eh or while tickling yr balls. whichever way pleases you
[…] Yongfook takes the prize for Best Halloween Costume - The Gynaecologist. Afterall, ladies, this is the guy (the gynae, I don’t know about yongfook) who reserves the right to proclaim that he knows more about your piping than you do. And I reckon most guys are wont to recoil in disgust at the thought that women actually pay this guy to touch them, and how it totally goes against the order of nature. […]
The cold hands line made me snort coffee. But, to be perfectly honest, I’m not a normal girl.
then where’s your popsicle stick! you ought to have been going around asking women to “open wide”. hey, you have the clipboard; might as well go the full mile.
Well if I really wanted to go the full mile I would have been carrying a speculum.
Good lord jon.. That picture looks like my damn textbook… I probably found that more of a turn-off then the content of the clipboard. The costume was a riot, but I doubt many people’d understand, let alone like ironic humour.
Laugh all you want at pap smears… Just wait until you have to go for a DRE.. THEN you’ll know.. :D The new layout looks good!
‘Pap smear’, is that like “dissing a dad”? (I have no idea what it is either). Perhaps next year you could go as a vulva? Great site as always.
I’m sure you and a somewhat-friend of mine would have gotten along just great - she dressed up as “Dr. Anita Lay.”
I can’t believe the girls weren’t throwing you on the floor - your name tag said “PhD” and by default you would have also been MD - that makes you double smart! Double smart is double hawt! …Although the clipboard was a bit over the top. Too bad.
stop plucking you eyebrows man… you look ridiculous hahaha
You look cool man! :)
(In highly affected Wiley E. Coyote voice)
GENIUS!!! That’s what it is! Sheer, unadulterated genius!
…In reference to that costume.
baetiful photos
good to be 1 November ….