WHO WHERE WHAT WHEN
Been very, very busy lately with work, both professional and personal - more on that in a bit.
However, I’ve decided to take a quick breather from real life, or as I have come to affectionately call it, “The Boiling Cauldron Of Shame And Despair Created By All The Sex I Am Not Having”, to write a quick blog entry.
Why the no sex, yongfook? You seem to be a good looking, amusing guy with a personality at least a few bars above that of a sack of mangled hammers - why, a woman would have to be downright STUPID not to drag you home the very instant you make your signature joke about the Rabbi, the Priest and the smelly fingers contest.
And to that I say:
Well. It seems I have somehow developed an extraordinary knack for completely alienating any member of the opposite sex who has the misfortune to meet me more than twice. I mean sure, there are some women who have probably changed their phone numbers or taken out a restraining order on me for good reason, like that time I showed up to a second date with a ROTJ Princess Leia costume and said “Solo! Hay lapa no ya, Solo!”, my eyes alight with uncontrollable sexual vigour, or that time when a girl came back to my place and I had accidentally left out all my wildebeest candle wax torture porn (you need fricking BIG candles) out on the floor, or that time when a girl said “I like it rough” so I wrapped my penis in sandpaper (oh god so much blood) - but whilst there were a few hundred isolated incidents like those there were literally tens more where the reasons for the woman running so far, far away and never calling me again were entirely less apparent. To be honest I’m as stumped as you are.
Anyway, in my absence a few of you have asked questions in my comments area, directed at me. Here are some responses.
By the way, fook, do you only shop at “Shop 99″ or what? it’s the only place i consistently find all the shit you be eating
No. And not only because I don’t know what Shop 99 is. You see, what many readers of yongfook.com might not understand is that my criticism of bad food is borne out of a love of good food. It’s comments like this that make me think 90% of all yongfook.com readers’ thought process when reading a food review is this:
“HAHA STUPID JAPANESE THINGS HAHA YONGFOOK STUPID TOO HE EAT STUPID THINGS, I’M WATCHING HIM IN THE PALM OF MY HAND HAHA HE BUMP INTO WALL HAHA HE STUCK ON BACK LIKE TORTOISE”
However I’d like to think that at least a small percentage of you are thinking this:
“Yongfook’s incisive criticism and bitingly accurate consumer know-how is quite obviously a direct product of in-depth experience of the entire spectrum of the food-service industry, from convenience store snack goods to the finest Japanese kaiseki ryori, art on a plate at 20′000-yen a sitting. Boy, I’d sure like to let a guy like that jizz all over my face”
If you are a hot chick.
So in summary, “no”.
PHHHHFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! WIENERCOCK WEINERCOCK WIENERCOCK WEINERCOCK WIENERCOCK WEINERCOCk WIENERCOCK WEINERCOCk WIENERCOCK WEINERCOCk WIENERCOCK
I see what you are saying, but really, weiners are still bigger.
When you write food reviews, do u eat the WHOLE entire pack before you write your entries?
Good question, although it varies massively according to the pleasantness of the item. I’m not a fricking robot, if something is disgusting it gets shrieked at, thrown in the corner and sends me into fits of pointing at it and screaming “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU” over and over again until the neighbours charge down my door and calm me down by holding the neutral blue flashcard up to my face which I gave them for such situations. Carrot Au Lait was one of those items.
Usually however, I’ll take a few bites / sips of anything - that is more than enough to start writing. If the item is tasty, I’ll finish the rest as I write.
I sincerely worry about your health, who knows what is really inside all that food? Might be real babies, and everyone knows babies aren’t good for you.
I heard my mother chanting that exact same thing every night, ever since she gave birth to me. Ah my mum was the best. How she used to gently lay me to bed and press the pillow onto my face, so it wouldn’t get cold.
Yong Fook at his best makes me giggle like a retarded teenager.
Things women have done after they saw yongfook’s penis.
Said, “is that it? where’s the rest of it?”.
Made an impromptu telephone call to The Guiness Book Of World Records exclaiming, “I’ve fricking found it! The world’s smallest cock!” whilst I quietly try to keep myself erect lest she see how small it is when flaccid.
Said “awwwww”.
Asked me to pad the condom with “anything, just anything”.
Assured me that “it’s ok, I won’t tell anyone”.
You made a cameo in my dream last night haha
What kind of cameo? Are we talking a cool cameo like Matt Damon’s punk cameo in the (fundamentally awful) “Euro Trip” in which he gets to snog hotslut chinkyface Kristin Chinkyslut, or something crap like any cameo involving Will Ferrell being allowed to “hilariously” ad-lib a scene.
ANYWAY about work. On the professional side I’ve been busy with a few different projects, none of which I’m at liberty to talk about but one of them is for an EXTREMELY well known global corporation, which I am thrilled to be working on despite the fact that it has definitely cut into my crying at home alone in the corner time. On the personal side for the past few weeks I have been supremely busy in my spare time working on the big brother to printclub. A new domain has been registered and I’m currently beta testing with a small group of people. The new printclub allows you to add titles to your sketches, write comments, add tags (with a weighted tag list a la flickr, of course), save favourites, and a whole crapload more. It’s my new baby and unfortunately it’s going to take a little more time to get just right.
So, apologies that I can’t offer you a food review in this entry, but I can offer you some pictures of what has been going on in my life recently…
I went to a festival in Yoyogi park (also pictured above)
I went to a company party where there was a glorious OPEN BAR (and yup that’s me in the projector image)
I took some pictures of myself because I’m a vain bastard and nobody else seems to love me except ME
I bought an iPod nano
I went to the Tokyo Game Show 2005 and took copious amounts of pictures of booth whores in all their wonderful dead-inside-I-hate-my-job-ness
and I’ve been in a magazine
(one in from the right)
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand relax.
You know what will make you feel better? Not being awake at 1:30am posting blog entries!
(Not reading them helps, too.)
HAHAHAHAHAH no wait the really funny thing is I only got back from the office an hour ago. CHORTLE.
That’s it; you’ve inspired me:
I shall quit JET and mock people who visit my website whilst insisting on the microscopicity of my cock. And when this master plan is complete, I’ll…
Wait, nevermind, that plan is shit. Back to the soul crushing boredom of “teaching.”
Isn’t “teaching” supposed to translate into “idyllic boredom”, or similar? Carl, that’s not such a bad plan, actually. Think of the hordes of adoring, teenage fangirls who shall worship you, offer you sex and check your site every half-hour, drooling over pictures of your hand/shoe/random object somehow connected to you.
Incisive criticism and bitingly accurate consumer know-how in the food reviews? Hahahaha..
Sad sacks, all of us.
I am slightly offended I didn’t get asked to join in the exclusive testing of the big brother to printclub… I tested games for Codemasters you know. I can handle it.
I’m intrigued about the website for the EXTREMELY well known global corporation. I mean, technically I hate them all but a guilty, whore-like corner of my soul wants to know what you’ve been for the site. Assuming it’s someone evil like Microsoft or Sony, could you add a Durden-esque frame of porn to the website?
I’d appreciate it.
So wait you’re dedicating an entire website to crudely drawn penises on which people vote? I commend you good sir, someone had to do it sooner or later.
Don’t worry little penises are cute, at least that’s what mother always tells me and she’s never wrong.
I just realised something…. you bite your fingernails, like I do… wahhhhahahhha…. (faints)
I still think it’s because You spend all of Your time commenting on Kissui. And if You’re going to be gone for so long, the least You could do is provide more photos… Mr. Stingy.
Have been a long time reader of your site and it’s come to the point that I feel sorry for you, to boost your ego you surely know that you are witty, smart and sarcastic and tottally shagable and tiny ding dongs are so hot now and such a fave with ladies with a bad gag reflex. Men like you are so rare now it saddens me to a point I’m ready to dig a hole and live like a hermit and make friends with the mole people. So cheer up and eat some more yummy or disgusting foods so I can relish in your reviews again and use your one line food zingers to impress my japanese friends. By the way I’m a hot chick.
Exactly how small is your penis? Or are you just saying it so you can surprise girls with your humongous cock when they were expecting tiny tim?
AndyH > Beta testing was open to anyone who sent me a mail saying they were interested in helping. I put up a notice on the printclub forum.
kuponuts > I don’t bite my fingernails at all. How on earth did you garner that from the photo? My fingernails are perfectly curved. Some people have actually accused me of having manicures after looking at that photo, which makes your conclusion all the more bizarre. I can only assume you are blind or that your homemade moogle costume is restricting your vision.
Azim > show me these comments. I must have commented on Kissui ONCE this whole year. Is someone over there pretending to be me??
u look like u pluck ur eyebrows. A LOT.
Looks like you’ve lost weight. But, still looking good.
don’t wory about your micro wang, your amazingly huge ego no doubt compensates. and you have to ask why you repel women…?
Gung Ho? HAHAHAHAHA… I bet that chick is a Gung HO…
Well you can’t blame me. I thought you looked like Charlie Chaplin, remember? Kupo!
Lost weight? For crying out loud, the guy was already thin before. Waif-like people, I hate you all.
” It seems I have somehow developed an extraordinary knack for completely alienating any member of the opposite sex ”
agreed. >:B
it was the type of cameo where.. well. thats enough of that.
your commenters are too funny. and i’m mentioned too!! i believe yongfook left me a comment like, once and only once. you should comment more!
Thank you for taking your time to answer my question. Now i shall grab a bag of chips and START CHOMPING RWARRR
Well, I just returned to the States from vacationing in Tokyo a couple of weeks ago… And I wanted to say thank you very much for testing many of the strange foods that I would have otherwise been compelled to try, based only on the strange packaging…! (and no, I can’t read Kanji and I often found myself to be too drunk/hungry/horny to read the other 2 alphabets most of the time… So almost every food choice I make at Japanese convenience stores is based on how odd/interesting the packaging looks, at a glance)
I’m being totally honest when I say: Thank you very much Yongfook, for taking a bullet for me, which is my accidental eating of Umeboshi chips!! Keep up the good work!!!
P.S. Congratulations on the magazine!!!
Hmm, not one of your best entries. My hunch on why you’re not having any luck with the women is because your ego gets in the way. Do you by any chance talk about yourself for hours on end whilst on a date? If you do that might be the source of your woes. But that’s just a hunch because I don’t really know you except for BD and your website. Anyways, hope you get some ass soon, because you seem quite backed up and possibly it’s driving you batty. I know in a previous life you said that you don’t like to post personal shit on your site, but to be honest I think it might be good for you… At least if you give us the nitty gritty details we can help you figure out where you’re going wrong.
Ok. I admit it. I was just trying to goad You into more posts on Your own site. Geez. But You still didn’t reference why You’re so stingy with the photos. And Yuki’s site is Awesome. You should spend more time there anyway because of that. Then come back and post more here. yep. Post More Here. There is a lot of Conbini Food in Japan that yearns for recognition.
Hey! Reading the comments to this entry made me dumber!
That was the worst food review ever! I don’t even know WHAT you were fucking reviewing. Was it that thing with the umbrella!?!? I hope it was crunchy. Anyway….
much Yongfook, for taking a bullet for me, which is my accidental eating of Umeboshi chips!! Keep up the good work!!!
P.S. Congratulations on the magazine!!!
omg really???? does that mean ur going 2 type like dis on ur site?? lol lol wtf gtg ktnxbai!
By the way, yongfook, is there anything you’re willing to trade me your nano for? As in, besides cash or manatees. You are sexy, intelligent, and your reviews are always full of such brilliant humour and the most cutting wit. Pretty please.
Are all girls so slim in Tokyo?!
Geeessshhh.. I’m never stepping into that land!
oh yeah.. congrats on the Magazine… I was being so selfish about seeing more photos that I forgot. I apologize for the rude behaviour.
yong fook, you are a sexy bastard, just keep your mouth shut and all the legs will open!
oh, you are so fishing for sympathy sex, you cunning bitch.
come over lick my tonsils now!
This. Website. Is. A. Major. Gay. Magnet.
Who fucking cares if he was dissing her? I heard she’s a bitch.
YF, I’m not as hot as you are but shit, I have the hardest time meeting guys. At first I thought it was because I’m this ball-busting idealist but really cus I’m this ball-busting realist.
Keep your head up. The girl that can keep up with you is coming.
Aside from the overwhelming lack of sex, I totally want to live your live. At best it’s going to take me two years to get to Japan (since I have to finish my undergrad degree sighgagsob) where I can only hope to find employment beyond teaching English.
S’ok YF…I, as a completely heterosexual American man, still find you attractive…despite the penis size…or lack thereof…(drops random object, runs away crying)
okay. these people are retarded teenagers. here is the truth. SPOILER: GIVING AWAY GIRL SECRETS. sorry. i have to do it. his pathetic hotness has me in its spell. 1) I hope you are opening doors, pulling chairs, etc. Unless she is a staunch feminist (i.e. dyke) or Fuckstress (a lovely enigma), she will love it. Putty in your hands. 2) DO NOT TRY TOO HARD. This will become easier as you incorporate #3. 3) Be a jerk. Your “I’m so hot, why doesn’t a girl want me” will come in helpful here. Except change it, in your mind to “all the girls want me” (which is evidenced by these comments.) I hate to say, I learned the hard way, it is all about games. If a girl (or guy) says she does not want games (or, I guess rules), she (he) LIES. Maybe they think they don’t, but without the rules you seem desperate. Desperate is a definite turn-off. Don’t call right away nd RELAX. Drink less. 4) Don’t be deep or personal right away. Do be interested in what she has to say. Talk about hobbies, mention your music, but don’t mention the Royal Albert until a later date.
This is only a very basic primer. Now you can be a player too. Learn some good lines. And I am a hot girl as well, if men’s opinions are worth anything. Just have to get that damn icon picture.
ha - sandpaper. Do you know how to use power tools?
oh, and if she figures out that you only want sex - probably not going to happen. which i know you don’t, but - well, you are going to have to work that out yourself.
You’re right. You are a vain bastard. Self realisation is perhaps the first steps to recovery.
Ahh, that was some nice reading. It’s 4.11 am here in Sweden and I can finally go to sleep with a big smile on my face! yongfokk, you rock the human mind!
oh this is the first time i see your photo… and nice pics u have there. :) why didnt u get the black nano?
“a personality at least a few bars above that of a sack of mangled hammers”= metaphor of the week.
I really don’t think one girl can speak for all of us - everybody’s different. The “don’t call right away” doesn’t apply to everyone.
At least you got out of the house.
In the umbrella lady pic, what is that lady in the white dress behind her doing? Looks like a weird new violin.
I don’t know but it sounded like a cat being raped by a narwhal.
tonkotsu soup is gooOOoooooooooOOooOOooOooOOOd. oomori tonkotsu no soup wa oishisugiru!
maybe its the eyebrows. they look… too … scary. maybe.
well, ami, it’s hard to say. i am more of a, shall we say “down-to-earth” type of person, but i’m just reporting what i have seen and experienced. maybe i should say, instead of don’t call right away, don’t call too much. sometimes the other person does not feel as comfortable with the “familiarity”. plus, i am what you call a “nice girl”, so i am sort of shooting in the dark here. but we need to get Jon hooked up so that we can all plot how to get rid of her.
Is the Ipod Nano all that good?
Apparently some were a bit problematic (easily cracked/scratched screens), but is it not teh HOTTEST baby?
Will it be silly if I add an Ipod Nano to my apple collection even if I already own an Ipod Photo? I mean their functionalities are pretty similar.
Kill. Josh. Now.
Liz, i’m pretty sure when you get to Japan, you’ll have anything BUT an overwhelming lack of sex. Apparently (according to Mike) short white girls are in.
YF, you…you rock. Why were you in a web design magazine? And why was your picture being projected at that company party? Have you somehow become a deity over there in japan, and are choosing not to tell us of your unspeakable power?
Details please…
“oh, and if she figures out that you only want sex - probably not going to happen. which i know you don’t, but - well, you are going to have to work that out yourself.”
You do realize that that’s the goal of every man at any given time. We don’t really care that much about “companionship” and all that other BS.
“Are all girls so slim in Tokyo?!
Geeessshhh.. I’m never stepping into that land!”
It’s not that all girls in Tokyo are that slim, it’s that all girls in America are really fat and dress like men(jeans).
i think yongfook is very good at entertaining himself. (and ofcourse his fans too)
How strange, you almost looked to me like that Ken Hirai in one of those photos. Creepy. But he’s not actually half, i guess. Was TGS ‘05 as smelly as it looked?
OK, guys - can we get a collection going to ship Linda Chia over to Yong Fook. Maybe a paypal account or something for the trigger the following chain of events:
Sounds like a plan, no?
Thank you very much for your response to my review yongfook. It is an incredible relief to know that you have such a wonderful mum that presses a pillow onto your face so you won’t feel cold. Now I can go to bed at night feeling very much less anxious whilst thanking God over and over again that Yongfook will definitely still be alive and kicking (and hopefully with a striving sex life) in the months and years to come and would not succumb to a horrible death from the poisonous frog liver & tongue Japanese snacks.
I vote for YF to start eating weird foods that are supposed to be aphrodisiacs. Let the merry mayhem begin! Just stay away from the soggy sao’s…
I say Yongfook gives more details about all the sexual encounters that he’s been having, but pretending to not be having…yeah. C’mon jon, a lad as handsome as yourself shouldn’t be having trouble in japan.
If by chance he really is struggling to have sexual encounters, then at least he could tell us about these incidents where things go wrong. It’d be…fun. For all.
Oops, sorry for expecting a personalised invitation, that was really chav-esque of me to sit around complaining without even trying to inform my lazy ass. My bad. I’m cutting of a finger right now by way of owning my social dookie. Not my finger obviously. That’d smart some.
Can’t wait to see the new cyber-goodies.
PS: It’s taken 26 years, but my Mum has finally shown that she ‘gets’ me with a birthday gift. She bought me a 1GB pro duo card for my PSP. The gift that keep on giving…
PANCY. PANCY. PANCY. PANCY. PANCY. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK. MABBEL. RUBBEL. MABBEL. RUBBEL. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK. SHITCOCK.
Hm, I would like to see another Podcast from you, that was really funny (:
you’re too skinny. start working out and eating the good stuff. lots of it. and getting pump through weight lifting is like good sex.
YF: you’d look much better if you gave your eyebrows a bit of a trim. Atm they make you look decidedly like devil-reincarnate. Not in a good way, mind.
oishii manko - that’s a disgusting handle. for those who don’t already know, it does mean tasty cxxt.
to the people giving me “helpful” appearance advice:
Post your pic or kindly shut your cum holes.
Damn, I’m forever foggy as to which hole is my cum hole.
You should ask the med student. [points at kanishah]
I think you are fine the way you are.. not commenting the way you look.. but I think you are better with no mustache and beard.. that’s my opinion.. not bad comments right? btw you take good pictures.. o yea.. could I have the Ipod Nano??
ah good no need to post pics for me, i merely dissed how overplucked ur brows look.
btw, do japo chicas dont go for gaijins? or they wld rather have the hairy blonde ones?
what a suave looker. ;) one day, when i earn my own money or perhaps when my mom is under some kind of brilliant hallucination, i shall get an ipod nano. nice witty comments about the jap food, all the more on tidbitty things.
As you asked, Shop 99 is basically exactly the same as a 100 Yen shop apart from 2 principle differences.
1) Everything is 99 Yen (103 after tax, 104 for each subsequent purchase. Really.)
2) Not everything is 99 Yen.
It’s also sort of like a supermarket rather than selling dodgy crap, and it has music so painfully bad that the last time I heard that bird shriek “Kyuuuuuuu” at the top of her lungs I wanted to pierce my own eardrums with some kind of defening device reserved for such occasions. Very convenient nonetheless if you can time it so you’re not in when the theme tune is playing, because you can eat each evening for exactly 207 Yen, or 311, depending on how fancy your cooking needs to get.
nice webby! really nice photos and food reviews~ i heart!
just dropping by…
Ah, nice to visit again, sorry, I’ve been busy with SEX.
Aaah, yes. It’s nice to be a FUCKtioning human being again, to quote Human Traffic.
YF, hope life picks up, and your Nano doesn’t get scratched.
Damm.. I want your Nano.. =(