The God Of Beers
Sometimes people (and by people, I mean bloggers. And by bloggers, I…mean…me. Frick) put up lists of “Top Keyword Search Referrals” to their blogs for people to read, for joy and merriment. This is because bloggers are obsessed with themselves. Being a blogger is the new outlet for narcissism. I’m almost 100% confident that showing any blogger a picture of their own face taken at arms-length with the white balance all messed up causes the most potent and uncontrollable, sexually aroused Pavlovian reaction to stimuli that person has ever known.
Well anyway, Top Keyword Search Referrals? I’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, paid the entrance fee, ridden the virtual reality simulator, had sex with the chick who was giving out samples, used the public toilet near it, watched some kid stupidly let go of his balloon and see everyone in the near vicinity look up at the balloon floating away and go “ahh” whilst waiting in line for it, bought a novelty pez dispenser in the shape of it, got bored of it, read about the declining amounts of visitors on an internet news website about it, downloaded some porn whilst reading about the declining amounts of visitors on an internet news website about it, sold the t-shirt I bought at it on eBay for 20 quid because I said I was a 17 year old girl and had rubbed it on my pristine, unfricked vagina AND made it into an extraordinarily long theme-park metaphor, so basically I’m the shit.
So instead of that, here is a sample of the BOTTOM of that list, for yongfook.com. The search keywords that referred the least amount of people - which usually means they were either too bizarre and unrelated, or too esoteric in that only one or two people in the world would ever actually search for such a combination of words. I present to you, the yongfook.com “I WANTED DEAD MIDGET NASCAR PORN AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY WEBSITE ON CHINKS OR SOMETHING” list. For August.
(100% unedited)
the average mom fricking aids ad sex with spider foam rubber banana eaten shit i need your clothes boots and your ?. fool japanese lovers photo japanese nympho ganari takahashi look like a pornstar www crazy food.com stinky tofu blog japanese candy packaging shaved heads look ugly ichat japanese im little japanese asshole gibbon paint japanese video japanese cherry blossom kanji black 14 year old porn stars midgets are people too t-shirt pictures of little tiny penises coated peanuts factory in japan japanese sick twisted music para-para dance korea jet programme diary blog tokyo food that makes penis grow sketch board despairsray ayumi promise japanese pictures japanese instant soup/ramen small penis pix my first small cock cartoon poo edible paper candy instant noodle review japanese snack shop picture tiny penis ramen tonkotsu self fellatio pictures gross japanese drink inglish sex disgusting food blog photos of my friend s slutty sister my favourite old sweets japanese food to go uk kotatsu table computer room sketch aloe vera eating
Nice to know that there are just as many people who are almost totally detached from reality as I hoped there would be, coming to this website. That’s the great thing about the internet - you don’t have anyone to answer to. I can sit in my room all day searching for self fellatio and cartoon poo and in my mind this can be completely normal and no search engines will ever say “I’m sorry, that search request was totally fricked up, please turn off the computer and smash your balls with something heavy. No wait, you’d like that wouldn’t you. SYNTAX ERROR SYNTAX ERROR”, which essentially encourages the nurturing of hundreds of new kinds of fetish with, I imagine, every passing hour.
These results are a frightening little window into a world of people who are probably walking around amongst us, cooking our hamburgers, investing our money and pumping our petrol with a glazed mask of appearing to belong to society only JUST hiding the fact that as they shake your hand or ask you if you’d “like fries with that”, they are also thinking “I must frick a 14yr old black gibbon covered in shit with my tiny, tiny penis” as they smile blankly into your naive, unassuming eyes.
Go intarw3b!
Anyway, heres a little review.
As I’ve said before, Japan’s seasons are pretty much controlled by the sale of limited-edition goods. Seasons are but the metaphorical whores to the pimps that are the very real and trend-setting products that the snack corporations churn out in a year-long cycle to keep everyone informed of when they think seasons start and end. You think it’s winter? Frick you, cherry blossom flavour chocolate is telling you it’s spring. Think it’s spring? Frick you, crisps flavoured with sea salt and sold in packages emblazoned with a beach ball are telling you it’s summer. A scorching, sweaty 34 degree C day with not a cloud in the sky? Yes that means it’s Autumn, according to the fact that AKIAJI beer (the “taste of Autumn”) is available again.
However, in this case jumping mother nature’s gun for fun and profit is more than welcome by me and many, many other men in Japan. Because Akiaji happens to be one of the best beers you can buy in Japan. And by best I mean strongest.
To be honest though, the illusion of autumn is lost on me here. I know I’m a cynical cunt at the best of times but whilst other goods at least TRY to pretend that they contain some kind of seasonal ingredient thus justifying their limited availability, all Akiaji has to offer in terms of Autumn-ness is an attractive falling leaf pattern on the can, to supplement the mysterious fact that Akiaji is the ONLY Japanese beer with a 6% alcohol level. In a way it all sort of makes sense, in the same way that if you stare at a magic eye picture for long enough your brain just makes something up so it can ESCAPE.
But lets look at it logically. If they sold beer at 6% alcohol all year round in Japan, everyone would be drunk all the fricking time. Regular beer here sashays around at about 4% to 5%; the jump to 6% doesn’t sound a lot, but it’s enough of a difference from regular beer to turn you into a simpering wreck of dribble and smiles very quickly, which makes for some fun-filled 30 degree C Autumn nights. So why Autumn? Why was Autumn chosen as the season to hold this torch for beer drinkers all over Japan? Sadly the answer to that is the same as the answer to so many questions in this country: Kumquats.
Why kumquats? Well friends, that’s simply a metaphor for the fact that the real answer is probably JUST as arbitrary and JUST as nonsensical, that you might as well save yourself the effort and say that the answer is kumquats. Why do Japanese people eat nattou? Kumquats. Why can’t I get barbecue sauce at McDonalds in Japan without having to buy Chicken McNuggets first? Kumquats. In movies, naked genitals=banned, gang-raped by slimy tentacles which then dismember you=not banned. Why? Kumquats. Why do ATMs shut down so early here? Why do they shut down AT ALL? Kumquats. What the frick is powering all the vending machines? Kumquats. What is in the hatch? Kumquats. Why are there polar bears on the island? Kumquats. What “k” is a citrus fruit classified in the flowering plant family Rutaceae, whose name means “golden orange”? Kumquats. Ah close, it was “Kumquat”.
Can I have a P please, Bob. etc.
Appearance: Comes in a beer can, decorated with an attractive falling autumn leaves pattern. Quite classy, although you look like a prick drinking it in summer, which is when it starts getting sold. 4/5
Taste and smell: Tastes like glorious, crisp, lovely beer. 5/5
Fear Factor: Hah! 0/5
Health Implications: Yadda yadda empty calories frick off Karen Carpenter. 3/5
Final Rating: 5/5 - There is nothing bad to say about Akiaji, apart from it’s utter pointlessness.
FIRST POST! Finally, my life is complete.
if i were gay i’d fuck you. and then mebbe go out for a nice steak dinner and drinks by the bay. we’d hold hands and dance in the moonlight. that’ll be swell. ahhhhhh
What did Karen Carpenter ever do to you?
Yes, Yongfook as we know and love him is back. Nice.
Aww, what about the indian-type snack food? ;__; is the reason you didn’t review that one because of, oh say, kumquats?
hahaha!! X D! my favorite search words are: stinky tofu blog. ^^
I agree, Girl E.
Thanks, YF. Welcome back.
u had me at kumquat.
ROTFL :D
ah yes, akiaji beer. enjoyed a glass or two at fukuchan’s this weekend. good stuff!
i just bought the t-shirt… :)
Had my first taste of Asahi last Saturday. I usually HATE beer because they mostly taste like bubbly fermented piss (I think) - but I absolutely LOVED Asahi. Bliss.
Next time when you come visit me, bring a whole carton.
Cheers.
Yes, well, my dad wanted to tie the balloon string around my thumb so that I wouldn’t lose it, but I said no, I can hold it, like what does he know,I’m four, I’m a big girl, and then I somehow let go of it, thank you for bringing back that sad, painful memory… We’ve only just begun…to live…
It’s impossible to look like a prick drinking Akiaji in summer because it is impossible to drink Akiaji in summer. You think Akiaji goes onto shelve in summer? You said so yourself, Cockle, when Akiaji hits the shelves summer is over, baby. The first time I saw Akiaji in the conbini was the last time I went scarfless during the day.
Japanese. Them strange, crazy people.
Ah the joy of a yongfook food reveiw. Granted, I hate beer, but who cares? Yongfook likes it, and that why we’re really reading this.
I thought that kumquats were only in season in the winter. Oh well. Kumquat.
By the way, YF, I do apologize for the odd licking comment….But hey, if your into that…..I like scruffy looking guys.
Anyone else have favorites on the list? “inglish sex”, “photos of my friend s slutty sister” and “my favourite old sweets” are mine.
I love how some people type really personal things and expect the search engine to actually find something.
According to the mess in my kitchen, I’ve had more than 40 cans of Akiaji already this year. Aren’t I great! I can smell my own liver!
bideowa houga sukidesu. BTW…aishiteruyo! anatawa kakkoii desu…(in case you haven’t looked in a mirror recently)
for those of you who don’t know japanese, I will translate Joanie’s post:
I really like bidets. By the way, I love dugongs! Your eyebrows remind me of a dugong’s backside…(in case you haven’t looked in a mirror recently)
I just searched for
“what’s that new smell in my granny’s house? It didn’t used to smell like that when she lived in Wembley but now’s she’s moved to Felixstowe there’s a silicon-y smell in the bathroom. Maybe it’s been there since the home help started visiting, but I didn’t really notice the onset of the new ambience”
and it brought me here.
I guess all roads lead to Yongfook…
Guig,
I translated it differently…
I like to hug bidets. BTW You had a good shit. There are ants in the cake (note: prolly seen in the shit)
I have a red pencil box.
i know that disturbing refferer-fluff from my blog (it’s in german language, so there’s no use visiting it anyway): “How to crack cigarette vending machines”, “hair-transplants for eyebrows”, “mice pierced through the body”, “bodypainting, then fuck” are some of my favourite google-special-requests. well, it’s a mirror of your strange humour. You attract those people, because … you are one of them. truth … hurts? now melt, mr fook.
andyheather,
I actually try to google that. Now I feel like a fool.
Referers:
Like attract Like…dude.
I find it strange that Joanie’s fascinated by dugong’s asses.
Oh wait, it’s the INTERNET. Nothing’s strange here.
Funny, this is how I understood that post:
“I’ll use whatever language I fucking choose.
“BTW, your friends are annoying. I hope they have better looking eyebrows than you do.”
I mean.
MayT
thank god, we’re back to normal primetime yongfook scheduling.
and what did kumquats ever do to you, eh?
I actually found a review of Nattou on this site called “Steve, Don’t Eat It” which is a pasty, Americanly-stupid version of yongfook…anyways.
the Karen Carpenter comment made me laugh. Does this mean I’m going to hell. I’m going to go call a priest, I’m in need of some fondling. Yoit!
The search “aids ad sex with spider” is looking for this:
http://ad-rag.com/c21f2ae51eaa935028ebca4f05930f15/2005/apriljpgs/aides.jpg
I bet the person who typed “japanese food to go uk” was real happy with their results.
Kumquats are EVIL! Seeing as how I”ve never once heard that word up until now. Anyways I”m watching the Roast of Pamela Anderson…She’s an evil deviate with huge kumquats… Well nice Input on the beer. :)
Nice blog you have here. Let’s fuck.
you seem stressed.
@David: Kumquats are quite small. Pam is not happy.
i’m so addicted to your blog.
Yongfook,
Ever hear of a period? I mean come on just try it you might like using them. I mean your sentences are reticent of a terretian- like out of work university philosophy student who is trying to pick up a blonde ignoramus who thinks physical exercise is doing the hoaky poaky whilst singing the star spangled banner to a frog who wants to be a prince some day who is running for president of America after the Bush Administration.
Crap you got me doing it too…hey its kinda fun……….
I think, diva, you mean “full stop”. A period is something quite quite different.
i think you mean “reminiscent”
and also “hokey pokey”
._.
The old Yongfook’s back eh? Naturally, this calls for a celebration (i.e. arbitrary reason to get smashed). [insert your alcoholic beverage of choice] all around….. on Yongfook.
wow, came across this “food blog” in kiplog’s list. hilarious stuff my friend. keep it up, i’ll be checking back quite frequently…hmmm what keywords shall i use to find this again….
I seem to have incurred some of the criticism that usually is directed at Yongfook…ah…now I understand and I feel your pain YF…but hey I am Canadian-shouldn’t I have immunity? I mean longest undefended bored my foot. meh I am going back to Eurasian nation-back to the love.
I seem to have incurred some of the criticism that usually is directed at Yongfook…ah…now I understand and I feel your pain YF…but hey I am Canadian-shouldn’t I have immunity? I mean longest undefended border my foot. meh I am going back to Eurasian nation-back to the love.
Arghhhhhhhh, ur so hot. i wanna fuck u so bad.
yes what the fuck is in the hatch and why are there polar bears on a tropical island? damn cliffhangers.
Whats up with the ramen over there? Go buy a bowl…
If I were from the UK, I too would believe that autumn were a long lost myth. Instead, I cling to my favorite season, despite the fact that global warming is making it a far too distant memory. In other words, capitalism ownZ you.
The gross thing about nattou is the texture, not the flavor. If anything, it needs to be stinkier.
6% beer is love. Stock up so you can be unseasonal all year long~!
Well…What can you say to an British beer drinker who reveiws food as a past time? That you are wonderful…and that if it gets too lonely over there I like beer and incense.
But to avoid being a YF fan girl I must say that SOME (not all) of your reviews were notable and that you sound continue to influence our Japanese meals.
it was supposed to be *should.
Some of those search queries were fucked up, but I can see how they found your website using some of them. You have talked about several of those topics. Or mentioned the words in some way.
Beer is okay, but white wine is the best! Or chu hi’s. Or fuzzy navels.
Hi,
the following link returns a parse error:
http://www.pingmag.jp/archives/2005/09/microcompacth.php?corner=101&h=d#corner
Judging from all your reviews, half (or more) of them want to fuck you. So I think you should have a “Get together” yongfook fans and readers fest so all of you guys can have a massive orgy with “The God of Beers” together. Sounds good?
The reviews want to…whaattt? I am so thirsty.
the can would feel too cold on yongfook’s arse. no good. no good at all.
Things seem to have slowed down…
… apperently he’s “busy”.
Back to watching ninja turtles reruns then.
I have a fairly important presentation due tomorrow so I have been busy all week - I promise to eat something crap and write about it over the weekend.
))(( FOREVER
You poop into my butt hole and I poop into your butt hole … back and forth … forever.
Thats what i learnt at the movies today yongfook!
)) > (( FOREVER
Well then, good luck! Perhaps wearing your vintage 80’s-pimp snakeskin-shoes will do wonders. :D
S’okay, we’ve all had fairly important presentations too. We’ve barely had time to check this comments section. We’ve been hard pushed to scrape together some brief moments to visit this place 15 times a day hoping you could give some meaning to my absurd existence. I mean ‘our’ absu… oh forget it.
So yeah, no sweat. We’ll do lunch when we’re all free. Good luck.
Hey, I remember this website.
Fuck, I really should write something. It’s been a bit mental at work lately.
HEY DUDES, I BOUGHT SOME CANDY MADE FROM CADAVERS. Tastes dead-y
This is one of your best reviews yet? u r so funny & hawt. i wanna do u.
Wait, that wasn’t a question.
I actually prefer it if you read down the first column of words, it’s akin to playing heavy metal records backward to reveal hidden satanic messages telling you to dangle your new born baby out of a hotel window etc. For instance I read:
“the aids foam eaten i fool japanese ganari look www stinky japanese shaved ichat little gibbon”
Which by anyone’s definition is one helluva party.
“pictures of little tiny penises” “food that makes penis grow” “small penis pix” “picture tiny penis” “my first small cock”
Am I the only one surprised at the sheer number of searches leading to his site that involve the human penis?
Karen Carpenter is a fucking whore! Hooray for Autumn beer! I hope Karen Carpenter gets Hepatitis C from a homeless person.
[…] In the same way that Aki Aji signals the coming of autumn in Japan, Melty Kiss is our commercial barometer to signal the coming of winter. The empress of all winter snacks, Melty Kiss is a type of soft chocolate that has a wistfully romantic image and is probably something that single middle-aged women eat boxes and boxes of whilst tending to their 8 cats and watching Sex In The City. […]
im looking for a man whit 40 years old to fuck me…i want a man with 40 years old fuck me…if are u rezady send ur pic for me…
You are mistaken, sir! Kirin’s Enjuku is also 6% alcohol and sold year round. Technically it’s happoshu though, so you could be unmistaken too.