OMG FOOD REVIEW!!!1q1
After 2 weeks of moping about feeling sorry for myself, suddenly something in my head clicked with an audible TWAT! - what better way to express my bitterness, sourness and general hatred for she whose name shall not be spoken than by consuming a food of that exact nature!!!11 Alright, perhaps that was a slightly flimsy pretext for my next review, but whatever course of self-therapy I choose it’s probably better than what I did for the first 3 days after being rejected, which centered around hate-fricking a meticulously sculpted effigy fashioned from tissue boxes and PVA glue until it was nothing but a carboardy, gluey pulp spread finely all over my throbbing, well-chafed penis.
So anyway, on with todays review.
If there is one small thing that Japan really has arse-fricking-backwards, it’s condiments. Big weird things like the consumption of raw horse or whale spleens we can almost accept readily, since we automatically glean from the awesome and all-conquering global stereotype of Japan being “KERAZY WHOO HAHA NO PANTS CAFE” that some fricking weird shit goes on in this, the land of pee pee bukakke, but it’s often the small, little differences that come unexpectedly and can gnaw at your sense of reason like a starved wolf on a dry bone, until the bone becomes all insane, or something.
The major one is mayonnaise. In Japan, mayonnaise is used like other countries might use, oh I don’t know, salt. In a single day I can count the number of times that mayonnaise infiltrates the food I see ONLY if I am not masturbating since I need both hands since the figure is well over 5 (the clever of you will quip in your heads that someone with a tiny penis such as myself surely only needs one or two fingers to masturbate and to those people I say FRICK YOU for being so right). Off the top of my head, here are the last few times that mayonnaise has found it’s way into something I have eaten or seen being sold as something meant to be eaten:
slathered on top of my brocolli, in my lunchtime bento
drizzled in an intricate lattice on top of any number of savoury danishes at the bakery store
used as a BASE instead of tomato sauce, on some kind of horrific pizza dreamed up by a guy who probably later died from ants devouring his face after they had consumed the massive amount of lysergic acid in his sweat.
offered up as a compliment to wasabi, in the woefully ill-conceived mayo ‘n’ wasabi chips that have now thankfully been withdrawn from sale.
Ad infinitum.
Mayonnaise though, it’s a bit passe in the superficial trend-based world of taking the piss out of Japanese food products, in which I am slowly carving out a niche for myself with a tiny, tiny pitchfork made from a twig and a fingernail clipping. The real money? Why that’s in VINEGAR.
I’m sure many of you are aware of Japan’s affection for vinegar and the fact that many of the more traditional Japanese foods seem to taste as if they have been marinated in the stuff for weeks, the disturbing reality of which is because they actually HAVE. Well, turning on themselves like a dog thinking his own tail is big juicy…rat (in my world dogs eat rats) Japan has started to churn out non-traditional foods using this, one of the most sacred of traditional cooking elements, vinegar. Tied in with some predictable Health Speak Marketing Smokescreen Super Tactics ™, this food product claims various health and diet benefits, presumably in keeping with the age-old axiom “What doesn’t kill you only destroys your will to consume anything else ever again unless you get some kind of mouth transplant”. For this is that most unholy of unholy health drinks: BLACK VINEGAR ‘N’ VEGETABLE JUICE.
Of course, in England we have a name for this kind of drink. And that is Salad Dressing. Salad Dressing, whilst delicious on salad, is not the kind of thing you want to drink neat, as that is an endeavour which can only end in vomiting and regret.
There aren’t many things on this earth that can make me shriek like a schoolgirl, pull the thing away from my face and throw it against the wall whilst gasping and clawing at the air for my life, except for maybe:
Carrot Au Lait
a face-hugger
that time when I was full-on snogging Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas whispered in my ear “she’s been sucking my cock ALL day”.
But Black Vinegar ‘n’ Vegetable Juice achieved all this and so much more. So desperate was I to rid all traces that this food product had ever existed in my house, I actually went to squeeze it all down the kitchen sink, with the hot water going on full blast - you know, to kill all the evil. However, not being an expert in fluid dynamics I wasn’t aware of the fact that if you invert a carton drink such as this which has a perforated hole that is not a mathematically perfect circle and squeeze hard, you end up spraying the contents in an attractive and impressive fan formation, all over your clothes and dishes that you washed mere hours ago, tainting them forever with vinegar vegetable stink and making you say “FUUCKKK FRICKKK!!! FRICK THIS!!! FRICKKK!!” over and over again.
Appearance The designers of this product have taken care to make sure anyone who buys it knows EXACTLY what it is, most likely to avoid costly lawsuits in case people are led to believe that this is a drink you can actually drink. Apart from the large bold text saying literally “Black Vinegar and Vegetable” (let’s face it, it’s safer to not over-stimulate crazy vinegar-drinking people with clever product names), the front of the carton has a selection of vegetables just to hammer home the point that this is something that most normal people will never ever buy unless they are massive health freaks or they are trying to purge the lingering taste of Michael Douglas’ semen from their mouths. And of course, whilst squeezing it out into the sink I caught sight of the actual liquid. You know the opening scene of “Constantine” where he tells the guy not to look at the possessed girl, but he does, and then becomes instantly all fricked up and insane and his hair turns all white and he passes out? I was woken by the guy from the water company banging on my door. “HOT WATER RUNNING FOR 6 DAYS NOW ROUND-EYE WASTER!”. 1/5
Taste / Smell Like salad dressing. Why is that bad? When used sparingly as a compliment to a fresh green salad, salad dressing is delicious. When injected directly into my mouth via a hearty suck on a straw since “it can’t be as bad as Carrot Au Lait, and I nearly finished that”, salad dressing is disgusting. This drink tastes like salad dressing. I think you can roughly see where I’m heading on this. 0/5
Fear Factor The all-seeing asparagus, towering over all the other vegetables with his undercover cohort the Broccoli, leveraging his street-cred to rule the lower echelons of society, were terrifying in their combined, political monopoly over the vegetable kingdom. 4/5
Health Implications It’s good for you apparently. That is the only possible reason as to why this product hasn’t been pulled off the shelves by angry mobs of people who’ve had to wash their dishes all fricking over again. 3/5
Final Rating: 1/5. Never again.
A-ha! First to comment!
(Now I shall read the post.)
Out of all your food reviews this one sounds, by far, the most disgusting.
Good to know you’ve gotten off your arse.
took 10 minutes out of my mad history cramming to read the review, and then laugh at your misery.
I love you for amusing me/us at your own expense.
ps: what did the liquid look like?
pps: what would rate 5/5 on the fear scale?
The liquid was a horrific red-brown, like barbecue sauce.
5/5 on the fear scale? Hmmm. Probably being raped by the corpse of Marty Feldman.
I note a certain sexual theme to this entry. Hmm… It’s subtle, but I think the diligent reader will notice it there.
I’m sure there are tons of ladies out there who would have Jon spray his vinegar over their dishes any day.
unlike which entry?
5/5? Putting a picture of Michael Douglas on the box with a “Now with Strong Man Semen!” I would think.
Good to see ya back online, Jon!
Randy: LOL, hilarious. And I fully agree.
Liz: I thought you abandoned this place. Commenting before reading the post is cheating, girl. I read it…in the blogging…codex, or something. Don’t make me come fight you.
YF: I can finally breathe again! If I came to Japan, would you let me stay with you a few days?
David: are you a hot chick?
Um…ye…no.
K, I’m done with the gay jokes.
is 37 degrees celcius hot?
Wtf. Where’s the food review of Douglas’ semen?
37 degrees celcius is about where your sweat evaporates right as it exits the pores.
well then if you cross-dress, perhaps yf’ll let you stay with him…
Whoa, whoa whoa, hold the phones…. Marty Feldman is DEAD?
Fooking brilliant!! Nothing more than I hate more than mayonnaise and to think that even the mountains of Japan are coated with it. Blech!
Did you know that in America there is a thing called white barbecue sauce that’s like 2 parts mayonnaise to 1 part vinegar?
somewhat like how i felt when i 1st tried chips with ONLY salt and vinegar in england.
it’s an acquired taste :P hahaha
You either love your fans or hate yourself. But don’t stop!
Well, geeze, Martha Stewart drinks salad dressing. Good thing you DIDN’T drink the whole bottle because… you might’ve ended up like her. We don’t want that. :|
*carton. Geeze. D:
So how bad was the carrot au lait? I often see obaasans buying two large bottles at a time, which always leaves me wondering whether I should make a purchase too. Since aside from Lawsons bentos for every single meal, I guess I should at least attempt to make a ‘healthy’ puchase once in awhile … …
Shit. This is hot. I’m in love.
David, I, Liz, abandon my favourite blog ever? (Well second favourite next to my own, of course.)
And I so didn’t cheat… ok, yes I did. I’m a big fat cheater but I was still first! (I’m a slow reader what else can I do? As evidenced by my comments, this post took me about 6 minutes to get through.)
If I finally end up moving to Japan, I think I’m going to have to learn how to read Japanese, so I don’t drink this shite.
Good review though.
“are you a hot chick”
sounds familiar.
LOL! I wonder if people who actually like vinegar might think it’s decent? I like vinegar in stuff but the thought of drinking it really doesn’t sound appetizing. Glad you were the one to try it now I’ll know not to :P
How fucking freaky is this?
Last night, I actually dreamt that I was speaking to someone and looking over their shoulder at a computer screen, saw that your blog had been updated..Jaysus Carrot au Lait is all the rage here, wonder if salad dressing will catch on..what next?Soy milk and chilli juice with aloe vera bits?Think ejaculating while having an infection..
ewww, Belle….
speaking of mixed drinks, soya milk with cincau (black jelly-like strips) is available almost everywhere here. I know of a place that calls it “Michael Jackson”.
oh, and I occasionally order carrot juice with milk (which is really condensed milk) at coffeeshops. the sugar makes all the diff.
Hell No! There is no such thing as white barbeque sauce! The horror! How could you spread such horrible rumors, Craig? Unless maybe it’s a southern thing…Or are you talking about SOUTH America? Canada? I have noticed they do put mayo in some types of maki - almost ruins something perfectly lovely. Maybe the Japanese will make a white bbq sauce drink…white bbq sauce, WHICH DOES NOT, CAN NOT, EXIST! Blech!
I wonder what Michael Douglas would taste like if we dipped him in white BBQ sauce……hmmmmm
wtf Japanese are radio rental, I say old bean, what next soy sauce and strawberry health smoothie? fuck i think i made some new form of drinks up i am gonna fly to japan and make up 500 random combos of drinks and live like a king baby hell yeah, nagga nootch
Fantastic review, but one quibble.
…many of the more traditional Japanese foods seem to taste as if they have been marinated in the stuff for weeks, the disturbing reality of which is because they actually HAVE.
Isn’t that, um… pickling?
fs: um… the drink is hot?
It looks like a drink box. Is it a drink box - do you just stick a straw in it and go? For those not so fresh days?
Mmmm… box wine.
If I had unlimited wishes, the first wish I’d wish for is for Yongfook to update EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN FUCKING DAY. You bloody salted egg.
I wish for that too.
I also wish for lesbians.
Lesbians in my bed.
what if they are the butch kind of lesbians?
Maybe he likes rodeos.
Butch lesbians are called dykes.
I wished for lesbians.
I’d wish for the good old days at yongfook.com when a select few of us would comment and then make love by the fire light…and we’d laugh and laugh…and cry…
If you just want to watch, lesbians are fine, but if you want to participate and not have your dick ripped off, perhaps wish for a nice bi-sexual pair?
yeah, remember the days before yongfook was even a ‘.com’ ahh the sweet memories… quick get the matches and start a fire now! before it goes down, quickly!!1!
Think BIG, people. After all these are real wishes we are talking about. I’d wish for a harem of lesbian bi-sexual nympho lezzer sluts and all the gold I could eat and a device that could stop time so I could jizz all over my nympho sluts’ faces, even though they would let me anyway, but it’s more of a turn on when they DON’T KNOW who just jizzed on them and and and well I guess some kind of wipe-clean flooring would make sense too.
oh and a manatee on a leash and some kind of small servant boy who has to continually throw water over it to keep it from drying out and dying.
For the record, yes WHITE BBQ SAUCE dose exist, and can be found primarily in the southern US. Its actually quite good on chicken. What i find most interestion on about this post is the description of YF’s ” Meticulously sculpted effigy from tissue boxes and PVA glue” Why not post a picture of that? also, Why no vidieo clip, as with the infamous carrot-au-lait?
perhaps a naked brown nubian boy?
“oh and a manatee on a leash and some kind of small servant boy who has to continually throw water over it to keep it from drying out and dying.”
Don’t waste the wish dude. I thought this was going to be the most awesome thing ever until I finally got it…and guess what…there are MALE manatees. What the fuck, right? Anyway within the first 48 hours the manatee had maimed the boy and was struggling for water. I scolded it a couple times but it just ended up dying. Worst $80 EVER.
not worse than the rm200 (and growing) late fine that I’ve incurred on my 2 library books.
whee, he lives. now we can get on with our sad, lonely lives…
Now we can’t…and you know it. His posts only tide us over for about 2 days…and each comment he leaves, just makes us want him to post more often. Damn that Tokyo tech firm that have him working 17 hours a day sweating piss, sitting in front of a computer using…what tools are you using for web devolopment? …and…well…not paying us enough attention.
I think i broke about 672 grammar rules just now….
I wonder if everything gets converted into these dots that just hang in midair … . How about — or - or = or / or ~
Nope, they seem to be ok. Stop overusing ellipses people!
…Never…!!!
Stop using Internet Explorer.
I suppose Mozilla is your suggested alternative?
firefox, to be exact *haughty sniff
I can’t bloody use firefox with my company’s firewall down my throat… And why are there so many UGLY cock pictures in the sketches? I’m fucking underaged ok stop corrupting my virgin unfucked mind.
You? Virgin?!?
Firefox rocks.
Can I just say that I read this blog not only for the content, but also the comments?
Frickin’ funny, some of them.
Can it really be worse than petrified bean curd?
The ugly cock pictures is what keeps this place alive.
I still can’t believe Marty Feldman is dead… :(
White BBQ sauce in the South, what are you smoking? I’ve lived in the South all my life and I think I would have fits if I saw white BBQ sauce. Hey, maybe you’re talking about horseradish sauce?
I’ll take some lesbians in my bed, too. :)
lesbians are overrated, BIs rockass!! wahahahhaa :D
anyways,since we r on the topic of having REAL ™ wishes…might as well wish for a harem of FEMALE nymphotic bisexuals with a need to be naked all day, feed u grapes, all the glorious food under the sun and call u “emperor” whilst u spray ur man-liquids at them whilst laughing at their dependency on ur need to spray ur man-liquids at them to make a decent living.
for variety, u can spray some wasabi and vinegar mixture at them during intervals of changing porn channels on tv at their glazed over eyes from too much man-liquids spraying.
and yongfook can be the bitchy sexually-frustrated manatee on a leash WE throw salt water at after whooping his ass with chromed tumb tack-studded whip made of leopard leather if he doesnt update every weekend… also, throw in a leper who thinks hes a menstruating monkey with a timebomb attached to hump his right leg every so often to remind him of “his duties” to update more often.
…you need help, dude/dudette.
Have you ever eaten ume juice >o
Thanks for another taste of your acidic Brit wit. I will induldge myself in the thought that I may have had something to do with you choosing black vinegar for your latest review. Keep writing.
I’m still trying to get the milk (I was drinking when I read this) out of my nose. Can I suck on the hem of your garment? Funny doubleplus.
Hiya Radha just told me to look at your website, it’s well cool you crack me up mate, seriously, brilliant stuff!!!
cool. but who t’fuck is Radha?
Can I safely assume that you will be reviewing the impossible to resist “Strawberry Milk Fish Sausages” when they come out next month?
http://www.nissui.co.jp/product/new/ham.html
http://www.winkie.org/oldwords/000267.html
It’s on my list.
Man alive, I can imagine this stuff once consumed, eating through your liver/kidneys/spleen like the blood of those Aliens in Ridley Scott’s twisted imagination. Quite what it does to other body parts on exit is perhaps the stuff of nightmares?!
This is a fuckin awesome site…I’m so happy I stumbled on it. hahaha.
I’ve tried black vinegar with ume and I’ve tried a mixed vegetable juice, but I would never consider drinking that stuff, even it its good for you. Except if I was going to review it like you have, of course…
Spaniardization terminator kettles.skull fabricates Getty - Tons of interesdting stuff!!!
Cool post,i love that !!!