What’s in the box? Pain.
Ahhh, umeboshi. The Japanese pickled plum. This is one of those foods that is classified as “sukikirai” by the locals, meaning literally “like/dislike”, in that there are people who like it and people who don’t. This renders umeboshi as yet another testament to the fact that Japan has a profound inability to make foods that normal people can just eat, and instead shows Japan to be a society clearly bent on churning out foods that make people either want to climb up onto the table and have sex with in the “wheelbarrow” for being so delicious AND aesthetically beautiful, or run away screaming in terror from, at even just a crude 2D crayon drawing of it, done by a child with watermelons for hands.
What is up with that, Japan? I throw this out as a general question. Other countries all have their shit together - Belgium has it’s chocolate, a pleasant, generically enjoyable food, Italy has it’s pizza and pasta, both loved the world over. Japan? PLEASE THE CRAB BRAIN TO EAT.
An obvious example of another sukikirai food would be the infamous nattou. However, whilst nattou is clearly not food, being that it is both rotten and shit-stinking, umeboshi does actually fall loosely within my personal threshold of what I would allow to be considered a food product, albeit this threshold has been FORCEFULLY widened by Japan over time, like the legs of a frightened 12 year old, strapped into some kind of medieval pregnancy stirrups powered by steam.
Anyway whilst I might consider umeboshi real food, it doesn’t stop them being disgusting.
Umeboshi comes in 2 main varieties which are easily differentiated by the fact that one kind looks like a testicle and the other kind looks like a testicle covered in BLOOD. Yes, the reddish purple - and generally more common - variety of umeboshi, stained by what can only be an amount of food colouring bordering on dangerously radioactive, looks uncannily what I imagine a freshly severed bollock looks like and for that reason when contrasted upon a bed of gleaming white rice as they so often are, umeboshi can be one of the most unappetising foods this side of your crazy ex sex-offender uncle Cletus’ special “whaddaya mean it tastes like cum” hummus dip.
But. Some. Insane. People. Love these things. So much so, that there is a whole sub-market of umeboshi flavoured candy, drinks etc all featuring the same signature sour, sweet, yuck, oh god, salty, weird sharpness that the genuine item is famous for, and children go frantic with a joyous rage when they open their lunchbox and find that their mother has lovingly pressed one of these sugary vinegar grenades into their rice. Me, if I find one of those in my lunchbox I generally flail my arms around screaming “take it away take it away ARRRGG!” which usually ends up with me accidentally knocking the box on the floor and saying “oh well can’t eat it now” and returning to my room, leaving the ambassadorial reception to finish the rest of their meal, wondering a) who’s going to clean up the mess, and b) who the frick was I.
And thus, in the modern tradition of potato chip manufacturers having, well, no original ideas for potato chip flavours anymore, the taste of umeboshi has now been immortalised in crunchy snack form, for you to enjoy when you pick them up accidentally because you thought they were testicle flavour.
Before I go on, there is probably another thing you should know about me, your avid food reviewer, that will go even further to chip away at my already tattered, cheese-hating credibility - I’m also not partial to sour things. Usually when I reveal this to people during a lull in conversation about more interesting things like acorns or gravel, I am met with phrases such as “what the frick are you doing in Japan then?”. Quite rightly too, since Japan uses vinegar and such condiments quite liberally in the local cuisine. However, since coming here I have adjusted my palate slightly and no longer wince like I’m sucking on a car battery when I eat a salad in this country, or compulsively wash my face over and over again with window cleaner after accidentally eating the pickled radish garnish that came in my bento.
BUT, umeboshi just goes that little bit further than I care to suffer through. It’s that wildly unpredictable sweet/savoury aspect that goes against my puritan, bland British sensibilities, coupled with the testicle imagery that makes it a particularly potent foe and for that reason, umeboshi potato chips are not exactly high on my I MUST CONSUME EVERY DAY list. Although really, I think my fear of “the sour” is slightly irrational, if I’m completely honest. That isn’t to say I fear something sour will creep into my house at night whilst I’m asleep and sing Italian opera at the precise frequency to create a destructive wave of resonation that causes all my shoes to fall out of the shoe rack and become muddled up by the front door, I just mean that whilst I fear sour things and will often refuse to eat them - I do actually semi-enjoy most sour things that I eat in a kind of idle-minded reversal of what I just said.
So with a certain amount of dread, and yet a strange, warm feeling of hope, I opened the packet.
Appearance
Coming in a gay-looking pink packet one could be forgiven for still thinking they are testicle flavour even after clearly reading that they are umeboshi flavour. The chips themselves are coated in spotty pink blotches, giving them the appearance of having some kind of venereal disease, going yet a step further at reinforcing the now quite obviously INTENDED testicular connotation that the manufacturers Calbee want you to think about as you bite down on every pungent, crinkle cut mouthful. Not good. 2/5
Taste & Smell I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear! Ooh tangy! Not bad if you like the idea of sour potato chips. Kind of like ketchup flavour potato chips, only ketchup made from testicles. 2/5
Fear Factor For regular people who aren’t me, probably nothing. Some crazy fricks might even WANT to eat these.
Health Implications Meh. Chips. 1/5
Final Rating 2/5. Not my favourite food evAr, but as long as I fasten my shoes to the rack securely, I’ll be fine.
Finally, some gratuitous shots of my new place in the Setagaya suburbs. Note the pretentious retro chic of my lights and table. And alarm clock.
u’re pretty right..the japs does have some strange eating habits that i can nv understand..their obsession with pickles and pickled flavoured monsters are absolutely disgusting..anyway..enjoy ur stay in japan! ;)
Minimalistic? Looks like there ain’t much stuff at your new place yet…
another food review, another 2 dune references. you are my hero, even if all you conquered was the most horrid taste around (i hate umeboshi too. GEE-ROSS).
umeboshi? is that the little disgusting fruit at the bottom of choya bottles or is it that brain-shrivelling thingy encased in a clear sweet (which i adore)? or are they the same? hope not.
“FORCEFULLY widened by Japan over time, like the legs of a frightened 12 year old, strapped into some kind of medieval pregnancy stirrups powered by steam.”
Dude, what the fuck?
i love umeboshi sob
Yeah, the steam widening device sounds… er… yeah… moving on.
Your apartment looks like the pad of a guy who just moved in but can’t afford furniture yet. It’s a design style I’m familiar with.
The lamp is funky though.
Phew. Updates. Finally. Thanks.
Euw, sounds gross. Then again, what the fuck can you expect from a race which created anime porn depicting 100 tentacled aliens raping school girls?
Are you an Ikea junky? The retro lamp, table & bed light screams it.
awww.. eating pain-in-the-box at such cosy room ..
‘.. i think we’re alone now, there doesn’t seem to be anyone ard ..’
is that a psp i see in the corner?? :)
I LOVE these chips!
oh yongfook…how could you?
Victoria > well spotted.
Oy. I’m never going to look at umeboshi the same way again. I wasn’t a fan before, but now? Bleh.
i guess i’m a crazy fuck. i really want to eat umeboshi chips and have no problems with anything even slightly resembling testicles. will you send me some? (umeboshi chips, not testicles). i live in france. in exchange, i’ll send you some runny, drippy, smelly testicles. oops! i mean cheese. deal?
nasty as the uncle comment was, i had to laugh. also your carrot au lait review, which i only read recently because i missed some, is great. the first paragraph is cracking.
nice place you seem to have there. so are you staying in japan forever now?
Hey, that’s near Shimokitazawa. Cool.
ooo, are those speakers? cuz i was thinking of getting a set like that
Dear Fook, God, I thought you were actually getting out of that country. What are you doing in Setagaya. England won’t take you back? My family loves both Umeboshi and Natto. I think the one country most notable for inedible, tasteless food would be England, n’est pas? Through an old boot in a pot, boil it for a day. Presto, beef Wellington. If only Japanese people had a sense of humor, one the numerous Nipponese sojourning there could probably regale us with humorous tales of Jolly Old E.
you know, just after reading this review i saw the most disgusting thing on TV: peanut butter and natto sandwiches!! :P apparently natto is becoming popular in the US and this guy was making the sandwiches for his son! much much worse than umeboshi chips…
Umeboshi do not just look like testicles, they taste like the divine testicles of God himself. You Brits, if it ain’t beans on toast you don’t wanna know do you!
Well, I’m off to my favourite izakaya for another feast of mink whale. It tastes just like raw horse you know!
is that weird white pyramid-y thing meant to be the alarm clock you speak of? or just a fancy-schmancy plastic container that you use during your nightly ‘private time’ with Elliot from Scrubs…
nice lookin place… and yes… lots of weird food… last the family was down in tokyo… shudder
Oh Jon… jon, jon, jon! Reviewing food!!! Oh how Mr Letterbox and Mr Dustbin (of Hove, actually) would smile at you asian endeavours. I like the petty scribblings. Word to your mother and to your father. Email me you anus. HRH GavRa
Ps. Buy some cable tidies. you can’t do retro with that cabanara of wires all over your floor!
“PLEASE THE CRAB BRAIN TO EAT”… mmm yet another reference to kani miso. I’ve said it, and I’ll say it again - THE best thing on the menu. And when the waitress tells you its crab guts, don’t believe it - you know what it really is. After years of eating mediocre sushi - I try to avoid it on the menu, and am gently forced to eat things like soups, noodles and kani miso. P.S. - I’m a little confused about Nattou. I’ve heard its actually good, but I can’t forget what you said about it, so I hope to never eat it.
After reading, what, I think -ALL- of your food reviews, I notice you tend to get off topic. Not that it’s a bad thing. You’ve always got me laughing, and I want to thank you for that. I look forward to future food reviews/impulse-to-kill-myself-supressors.
-SYRINGE
that room is crapolla. enough said.
not my real email dont want to commit to possibly recieving correspondence from anyone. This address might belong to someone though. Stumbled upon your web site and read the umeboshi post and your frequently asked questions section. HILARIOUS!!! Sounds like the salty plum juice I tried at a vietnamese restaurant in philadelphia, pennsylvania (USA, of course). I asked to try it on a day I was feeling gastronomically adventurous and the guy at the register gave it to me for free with directions for me to tell him how it taste upon my return. The name of the product was quite clear about the flavor, and yet I was still suprised by how putrid it was.
I love the room. And wait…I have a PSP… you have a PSP… I have a Powerbook… you have a Powerbook… you watch Scrubs… I watch Scrubs… WE’RE BEST FRIENDZ NOW!!
In another bizarre against-all-the-odds ironical coincidence, my testicles taste like chips.
you’re gay, right?
http://www.yongfook.com/about/#gay
I am definitely with you on Japan having some strange foods. I live in Okinawa, where I have been subjected to goya time and again (if you have not tried it, try to get some and do a review on it please! I believe you will find it easy to make many comments about it and I would love to see your review!)
I have also been given food/drink by students which I felt compelled to eat since they were watching me expectantly. This has included goya juice (omg the pain!) umeboshi juice (of the red variety with an exta dash of vinegar for the slaughtering of my tastebuds), and nattou.
Since discovering soba and unagi onigiri though everything is well between Japan and myself….
Thank you for making me laugh with your reviews!
Umeboshi is an acquired tase. I liked it the first time I tried it and thought that Umeboshi flavoured crisps is better than the disgusting Walkers Marmite Yeast Extract Flavour Crisps and many other disgusting meat flavoured crisps found all over Britain.
I hate nato, to me it is no difference than “pongi” blue cheese.
I lived in Fussa-machi for most of the 60’s. I aquired a taste for both umeboshi & natto which is still with me today. Show your braveness Yongfook and do a review of horumonyaki. I used to eat it regularly until I found what looked like a pig asshole in a serving of it one day.
you make fun of japanese foods but have ever tried some of the suki/kirai foods from other parts of asia? for example balut from the philippines. that is some nasty smelling stuff that i could only eat on a drunken dare and even then i couldn’t hold it down more than 2 seconds.
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The word Umeboshi means dried plum. It is actually a species of apricot. It has been used as food and medicine in China, Korea and Japan.
plum wine, the same material as umeboshi. which is made of the rare natural greenage, Green plum, another name is UMESHU, with the high nutritious value and the luxuriant organic acid, was reputed as the “the king of the alkaline food” for hundred years history. Greengage, the specialty of asia, the main planted place are japan, China Tw and China, with the origin place in China.
It is known that the efficacy of plum improves the function of liver, and plum is efficacious against gastroenteric disorder, stomach ache, diarrhea, and food poisoning, and effective for recovery from fatigue, constipation cure, skin beauty culture, and prevention against skin aging.
is that grey’s anatomy?
umeboshi has got to be pretty much my favorite food of all time. i wish i could find umeboshi flavored chips here in america. maybe on the internerd.