some scattered brain purging
Bit of a scattered post, this one.
Let’s make a simple comparison. At 9pm, the pre-Tokyo Yongfook would be sitting in his little inaka village having already been at home for a few hours and would probably be thinking about eating some sweet potato chips, briskly cracking one off, and drinking himself into a state of blissful unconsciousness, slumping down on his insect encrusted bed with a faint sense of wistful melancholy at the fact he would probably repeat it all over again the next day. The Yongfook at 9pm in Tokyo however, would probably be thinking something along the lines of “maybe I should pop out and get dinner”, whilst staring at his computer screen. In the office. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessss because it has become wildly apparent to me that people in Tokyo never EVER stop working, like so many oompa loompas, fueled not by some kind of altruistic passion for the production of confectionary, but by an even more bizarre mix of loyalty, masochism and caffeine-infused chewing gum making so many of these zombie-like despair-mongers work right up until the last trains (midnight) every DAY.
So you’ll forgive me for my 2 week absence.
Some observations thus far:
1) I’m sure you all know about the workers on the Tokyo subway lines who are there solely to pack people into overcrowded trains, slotting humans into place like a kind of writhing organic jigsaw creating one of those forever tessellating patterns that I can’t look at without wanting to vomit as my eyes go batshit crazy from the infinite amount of birds or whatever, with their heads nestling perfectly up each others’ arses. What they DON’T tell you about these men is just how eerily happy they are to be pressing people into trains with paddles, but then again when I think about it, what other job allows me to physically hurt people for their own good, watching a straining carriage full of crushed and slowly suffocating MERE MORTALS be carted off to their cubicles of misery, whilst I remain on the platform, clutching my oar of triumph and waving happily with a grin that says nothing but “bye bye frickos, see you tomorrow ahahahahahaaahahahaahhaahahahahaa maaa ha”.
2) Real food can be found everywhere! I’ve never had it so good. In fact, I’m spoilt for choice. In fact, in fact, in fact oh it’s all fricking academic anyway since I don’t have the time (or money) to eat anywhere other than those “tachigui” places where you eat standing up, elbow-to-elbow with one of the zombified, soulless minions of working Tokyo, the silence deafening both of you to horrible internal tears.
3) I’ve found an apartment! I can finally say goodbye to my tiny, crap temporary apartment at the end of this week and move into a tiny, crap REAL apartment that is much closer to work and the center of Tokyo, and also has a slightly nicer front door. SCORE. I have all these dreams of turning it into some kind of awesome bachelor’s kingdom with like you know, a table in the shape of two panthers having sex, but the GROSS expense of moving into a real apartment in Japan (rent + security deposit + up to 3 varieties of pointless extra money, each with a value of up to two month’s rent. OH and you never see that money again) has pretty much made sure that I’ll be sleeping on the floor using my suitcase as a duvet for months and months, eating only what I can steal from the child who lives across the street, when he is out playing. But it’s ok to steal from kids as long as you don’t hit them in the face.
Anyway, sliding dangerously into talking about my personal life again, I went on what I’m pretty sure was some kind of “date” the other day. There is no danger of her (yes, “her”, yongfook likes WOMEN in addition to eating babies) reading this since as yet she has no idea that I lead this double life as a person with no life. She laughed in all the right places and we had a nice dinner, however, the one unfortunate caveat of this whole situation is that she is the busiest person IN TOKYO. She literally has no time to spare, working for a publishing company. This means that any text message sent by me enjoys a lengthy 1 or 2 day response lag. Or…or…she leads a double life as, you know, someone with a boyfriend, or someone who actually doesn’t like me very much. BUT I’m not the kind of person who gives up without at least some police intervention or knocks on my door at night from irate male siblings, so onward and upward say I.
Coming up in reviews soon (I promise) - Sour Plum Potato Chips (as requested).
Gen Kanai has handed me the Musical Baton.
* Total volume of music files on my computer: 3172 songs, 16.06GB
* Last CD I bought: Probably a blank one, to burn some of my EVIL PIRATED MUSIC DESTROYING THE INDUSTRY NOTE BY NOTE on to.
* Song playing right now: It’s not so much a song as a kind of incessant, bloodcurdling scream in my head that no one else can hear.
* Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me: I’m dead inside so nothing really means a lot to me, but for shits and giggles here are the top 5 in my “Top Rated” list in iTunes.
- Theme Of Love - Arranged by Shirou Hamaguchi
- Schindler’s List - John Williams
- Clubbed To Death 2 - Rob Dougan
- Finding Beauty - Craig Armstrong
- Violin Concerto 3, 1st Movement - Mozart
* Three people to whom I’m passing the baton: The Jinx Kissui.net Huge Entity (the guy who bought my Skyline)
Oh and finally, Batman Begins is the best fricking film of this year so far. A must see.
Hey, thanks man. Now I have to actually click on your links and figure out what a musical baton is. Am I allowed to pass it back? Because I only look at like four blogs…one of them being mine.
a musical baton is what happens when you get your cock pierced.
Like a skin flute type thing?
not really, more like a whistle. A flute would involve more piercing and making buttons etc and the whole thing would get quite messy.
Musical buttONs, perhaps?
Alright, I ruined it, didn’t I?
I totally didn’t believe that the white gloved train packers actually existed… I just assumed it was an urban legend!?
But, one early morning, I found out the actual reality of that situation. For some reason the first train was about 35 minutes late… and we all suffered for it!! I could hear some Australian guy in the same train car as me having a mental break down (”Don’t fucking touch me!!!!” “I’m gonna rip your fucking head off if you don’t get back!!!” etc.) I was all smooshed into a corner, so I couldn’t see what was actually going with him on regardless of my strained attempts… (although I could hear a profanity filled play-by-play from him at the top of his lungs for the next 15 minutes)
Anyway, I hope the bliss which is Tokyo doesn’t blunt your clever style and humorous sensibilities… I’ve been laughing my way through your archives this week (while I’m supposed to be working, and yes, people keep coming to my cubicle to ask wtf is so funny), and it would be a shame if you lost your edge simply because Tokyo truly is heaven on earth… Congrats on the apartment too!!
Just so you know, I live in Tokyo and I have it much better than you. Haa haa!
What shall I do when I leave at 7 on the dot tonight I wonder?
die. die now.
You went out on a date? And you’re sures he’s not an axemurderer?
scoooooooooooooooore! ;)
Batman Begin does indeed, rock. It’s so good, it almost - but not quite - blotches out my memory of Revenge of the Shit. I mean, Sith. Yes.
Anyway, what on earth is a tachigui? Sounds very strange, everyone standing about, shovelling food into their mouth.
Or like a standard australian bbq. ahem
Can you do a blog on the 17-course ultra-traditional ulta-expensive weird special dining experience that usually costs about $800 not including sake?
Probably it costs more now. I have been treated to a few of these in my life, and when I try to tell Americans “you don’t know traditional Japanese food” they sneer at me because they are very sophisticated and eat in both San Francisco and Los Angeles, sparing no expense.
I lived in Oita in 1977-78, ni nen sei and san nan sei. as Rotari kyokangakesei. Hence the nickname Mariko Miura, which I learned to write properly. I know Kumamoto moderately well.
spacibo, Masha
p.s. recommend Chumbawamba “Un-Chumbawamba” (music)
C’mon Yongfook, you’ve done small town and big city now. I need to hear the hard truth. I’m arriving in Japan in February, do I:
a) Move to Tokyo because it’s the only place a stupid Gaijin has ever heard of and quickly find that not all Japanese people are spiky haired samurai, who hang gracefully in the air for several seconds, their katana glinting in the moonlight, before landing behind 19 foot tall, heavily muscled would-be rapists, who then inexplicably split into upwards of two pieces, in a tidal wave of sweet, sweet lifeblood - and so hard do I find the truth of the overcrowding and isolation that I begin planning to cut my own face off because I don’t need it anymore, writing poems about being ‘lonely in a crowd’, collecting my own hair in a carrier bag and stalking perfect strangers, who I decide to punish for looking slightly less alienated than me. Eventually deciding to get on the interweb and invite four of my closest strangers over to help me masking tape the windows shut and light a gas burner until all the neon gently fades away?
or
b) Start off somewhere smaller than a megalopolis to give the emotional responses time to numb?
I’m really looking forward to it.
SO, you’re makin it in Tokyo, hey? Sounds like you’re keeping busy between fending off all your internet stalkers, working til midnight and going on DATES. Fine, I see how it is…don’t meet up with me in Kita-Kyu but have time to date big publishing gurus!
…
Right. I’m kidding. Really. meh. (no really, I’m kidding. seriously good luck with all that! I think the humidity is warping my brain– why won’t they turn the fricking AC on?!)
Seriously though, sounds like you’re on your way to surviving in Tokyo! Good luck and stay sane…
sachi
Heya Yongfook,
Nice blog!
So the rumours that Japanese really work till they drop is true, eh? Are they kinky as heck too? (Sorry, too many “Ichi The Killer” reruns LOL)
maybe we can expect to see your HIKKOSHI video?
gosh, even U haf a date! any pics of her? wink
Ciao. I am an italian living in Tokyo. I happen to read your blog at work, so I think that if you mean to, we can meet and go somewhere in this city. (e.g. clubbing) Let me know. Flavio
Batman is awesome. I reckon Yongfook is a dark knight himself perving the hotties on the streets of Tokyo. Hmmmm yongfook in a rubber batsuit suit or if you prefer the old skool adam west suit. hmmmmmm
Hi Yongfook! Baton received.. posted here. http://www.kissui.net/mt/archives/001082.html
Heya Yongfook!
Was attracted by your sketch pad, did a doodle. “Burnt Cookies” that’s me. Can i paste it on my site? and how?
If you came in a bottle as a drink, i would quench my thirst with you all the time.
If you came in a packet or on a plate, I would grow fat on you.
I’m yammering nonsense. Don’t mind me -smiles-
Love your site. Esp your 1st vid =p
The permanent link to your picture is here: http://www.yongfook.com/printclub/display.php?id=3137
And from there you can grab the picture itself for use on your blog like you would any other picture on the int@rw3b.
I have another one for your list, “If you came as a bowl of finest vindaloo I would take great pleasure in pissing you out of my fiery ring of tenderness into the porcelain sanctuary of the toilet in some fancy 5 star hotel, whilst being massaged by Jude Law, cooking a faberge egg in water imported from Switzerland. ON WEED.”
mmm jude law. mmm egg.
mmm porcelain sanctuary. mmm fiery ring of tenderness.
LMAO! thanks for the link. will put my masterpiece up l8r. (That’s how bad my art is)
Yet another for the list (Embellished)
“If you came as a piece of heavily perfumed bodily waste and stuck to the sole of my damn expensive jimmy choos I would sinfully roll in the pleasures of washing you off with a turbo powered shower head, into the deep dark recesses of the sewage system, in some fancy 5 star hotel, whilst being massaged by Jude Law (in the buff), cooking a faberge egg in water imported from Switzerland. ON WEED.”
I just had to cop abit of your piece -grinz-
Jude Law in the buff.. Double mmm.. -slurpz-
How does one get a job as a subway pusher? Seriously, this sounds like the perfect job for me. I’m big and like pushing people. GOD DAMN IT TELL ME. They probably won’t give it to a Gaijin, but my god. What a perfect job.
glad you are doing good. haha my turn to move into a cramped dorm room come July. whee…
Emily, probably the best practice if you’re wanting to go to japan… I’m living in a two room flat thing at a dorm in Oz… hopefully making the move to japan next year.
yongfook, first you’re a yahoo pick, and now this guy: http://www.marcosilvestri.com/travel/japan/. Oh, and for some great recipes for baby, try this: http://eatbabies.com
kungpao yongfook is so good!!
I fulfilled the baton thing. Now I don’t have to die.
who cares about all that OTHER STUFF. what about the UMEBOSHI chips?????? i’m salivating right now. no lie. i am. some sort of pavlov thing.
Isn’t that the infamous Shibuya crossing?
Geezus man. When are you EVER going to update? My F5 key is corroding from the infinite amount of bloody times I’ve been pressing on it since the first day I came across your site from —> www.minishorts.net
yes yes yes I’m in the middle of writing an update you unforgiving cuntrags HI MY NAME IS JON I JUST MOVED FUCKING HOUSE.
The yelling makes baby Jesus cry.
Or poop.
I forget which.
If you are going to be dating somebody you better get that bachelor pad into tip top shapa ASAP.
Although you are in Tokyo, with the pick of the love hotels…..bastard.
Are you sure Batman Begins is the “best fucking film of this year so far”? I have at least 3 people that beg to differ, ie: they fell asleep. On the other hand these are the people who walked out of my living room during a an impromptu screening of Dr Strangelove. Heathens.
PS: on a personal note, i do think its an incredible show. finally after too bloody long a batman flick worth the money to watch