Fancy a spot of carrot?
If I ever meet the man who came up with the idea for Carrot Au Lait I’m going to tie him to a homemade device that holds his legs open whilst a huge bronze cast of the word “WHY?” suspended from the ceiling smashes into his balls over and over again.
This all goes back to what I mentioned a long time ago about Japan “adding stuff in” where it wasn’t needed, to keep satisfied a society that, for example, flies into a rage if there isn’t a new pokemon game every 6 fricking months. To people living in Japan, we’ve all seen pizza with mayonnaise, pasta with fish eggs, and curry with leprosy - these items all have one thing in common, that being Japan has taken a basic concept and jazzed it up a bit, so the buying public can all gaze upon their seaweed-infested linguini and gasp “tastes like international!” with that kind of cock-up-bum wide-eyed look of surprise I have now come to abhor with every atom in my body.
And this is why when it comes to creating new food concepts, Japan can be as gay as a balloon. To say that conceptually, Carrot Au Lait is a “bit weird” is to make a massive understatement. Here, Japan has rewritten the laws of unorthodoxy to such an extent that I imagine David Lynch in a darkened room looking at himself in the mirror wearing a duck outfit with tears streaming down his face mumbling to himself, terrified and trapped because he just can’t think of ANYTHING WEIRDER than Carrot Au Lait and the “Kagome” food company of Japan has beaten him at his own game without even really trying.
Carrot Au Lait is, for all intents and purposes, carrot puree with the added, succulent bonus of milk. Of course this all probably stemmed from a plucky Japanese R&D intern eating a carrot cake one day and getting all excited thinking he could put carrot in anything and people would eat it, and just going that one step too far, like Midas accidentally grabbing his crotch whilst dancing energetically at the local nightclub. The sad thing is that this is partly true and in a bizarre emperor’s-new-clothes stylee these kind of fad health drinks have a big, blind following in Japan (and other Asian countries) and I’m going to make it a personal mission of mine to race through the streets shaking people violently, screaming “THIS DRINK IS DISGUSTING AND THE EMPEROR IS NAKED” until either people understand and companies stop selling this foul-tasting opportunistic rubbish, or I get run over by a huge truck carrying a shipment of acorn jam to the citizens of crackpot land.
Anyway, this week’s review takes the form of a contrast and compare - featuring standard “Cafe Au Lait” and my new object of ultimate evil (farewell manatee, we shall meet again and I shall beach thee) Carrot Au Lait.
Appearance Cafe au lait comes in a carton that obviously hasn’t been redesigned since the 1950s. On the front it proclaims it’s nice round number of 54% milk and depicts a strange Wicked Witch Of The East-style woman trying to drink from a wine glass, being blocked from doing so by the words “cafe au lait”. She looks up to the sky in frustration. 2/5
Carrot au lait goes for the metaphorical angle and portrays a ferocious, powerful carrot-orange VORTEX into which milk is being sucked up and dissipated, obviously trying to tell you which of the two is going to be the one that makes you projectile vomit all over your lap. A blue label says that this is a “mildly sweet dessert drink”. 2/5
Taste/Smell Cafe au lait - Japan has a big and long-lasting viagra-induced erection for all things coffee. Coffee drinks, coffee jelly, coffee candy, coffee bread, the disease that is coffee-flavoured everything has infected almost every single facet of the human food chain in this country. As a result when it comes to LIQUID coffee, as in, the coffee that you can drink, you will find many many hundreds of varieties, in carton/can ready-to-drink form available from your local supermarket. This is one of the more classic brands and is a pretty standard sugary, milky and child-oriented novice beverage that bears more of a resemblance to chocolate milk than it does to anything coffee-like. Thus, it is pretty nice. 3/5
Carrot au lait - on closer inspection of the ingredients, this drink does not have any sugar in it at all. Therefore I can only assume that when they said “mildly sweet” on the front, they were either just outright LYING, or they were hoping that the “natural sweetness” of carrots would permeate the creamyness of the milk and make for a drink less throw-violently-at-wall-worthy. Unfortunately the only thing that permeates the milk is the natural CARROTNESS of carrots, which I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that, when coupled with milk, is beyond disgusting. 1/5
Fear Factor For Cafe au lait? none. 1/5
For Carrot au lait? Many have tried. Tried and failed? NO! TRIED AND DIED! CHUKSA. Carrot au lait is a killing word. 4/5
Health Implications Cafe au lait is mostly sugar and milk, so, really not that great for you. 2/5
Carrot au lait…well, it says it has calcium and vitamins, but I could get all that from eating my own pelvis and I know which one I’d rather do. 2/5
Final Rating Cafe au lait - 3/5 Carrot au lait - 1/5. Wrong.
A short video of my taste test.
Being lactose intolerent, I shall never be able to sample this delicious sounding beverage.
Result.
Yougfook, I have now (finally) made it to the end of this blog entry after repeated breaks for crying with laughter. Then attempting to read sections to my desk-buddy next to me and crying with laughter some more.
This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, and with raw material like “Carrot au Lait” it was never going to be about informative food journalism.
Can’t wait for your next instalment, perhaps sugar coated turd biscuits or maybe pea ice-cream? I both envy and pity you :)
Thanks for the laughs.
Seriously, you got guts to even drink that “Carrot Au Lait” thing. I wouldn’t even buy it if I see it… Who would buy that thing anyway?? When I go to Japan, I have to watch out for these food you’ve commented. If you didn’t do these food reviews, I would probably die by eating these food when I go to Japan. Thank You!
“I’m going to tie him to a homemade device that holds his legs open whilst a huge bronze”
I had expected the next word to be “dildo”, you dissapointed me. I liked the Dune reference too.
btw after watching the video… I just want to ask something, why did you finish it after you said it was DISGUSTING??? and I like your expressions.. hehehe
Your site is what all new incoming JETs should read. Petition the authorities to include your address in the Orientation package. The video was a perfect ending to a great, I’m-gonna-pee-my-pants, oh-my-god-my-stomach-hurts, laughatastic (I was an English teacher, so I can make up words) post.
Strange, almost EVERY half Asian I have watched and studied (I’m counting six of the buggers here) are dead pan. THERE IS NO EMOTION. Even that vile creation of carrot barely stirred you. Any normal man would have gagged, choked and possibly exploded. WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?!
no sugar? didn’t you read the “100% carrot and milk” on the front of the box?
i don’t think that counts all the msg that’s in it, there must have been loads to make you keep drinking the stuff
you’re updating like a blogging speed-demon! whatever happened to those good ol’ days when you took at least two weeks to post a new entry, after much ass-kissing and supplication from your devoted readers…
well to be fair we just had 3 consecutive days of national holiday in Japan, so I’ve had a bit of spare time.
youre a brave one.
My least favourite is that drink called Pocari Sweat. Anyway, what a big leap from the wabi sabi days.
omg hilarious. what next…beetroot? at least they’re creative with their drinks though. i wish we had such packaged-drinks-creativity in the uk
“Carrot au lait…well, it says it has calcium and vitamins, but I could get all that from eating my own pelvis and I know which one I’d rather do.”
10:12am…staff room turns to look at the gaijin, who is in hysterics at her desk…
My mum gave me a beetroot and carrot drink once. I was in a rush to get to a pub party so I drank it without question… I found out later it’s a cleanser. A dark blood red cleanser that gives a consistency not unlike what you’d imagine brain matter to be.
That party was the scariest bog moment of my life.
Here, make your own.
I wouldn’t mind trying the cafe au lait. Actually, I’d like to get over to Japan sometime, drop in on one of the Cafe du Monde shops and see what their coffee and beignets are like in comparison to the mothershop in New Orleans.
Carrot au lait? I think I’d rather drink a case of happoshu. Gack.
[watches video]
No, definitely not. Chilling it might have helped, but probably not much. The brand manager who came up with that needs to be handed the short sword and given the chance to do the right thing.
And the review in itself would have been entertaining enough, but Adam, the bit about crapping red…just puts this thread over the top.
you have produced some funny as hell food reviews in your time, but this one is currently at the top of the charts. the lead in was so fuckin funny i could barely read the actual taste test. but then the dune reference definitely put it over the top. sealed the deal.
oh and NG, you really don’t like pocari sweat? man i love that stuff, but right now i’m totally addicted to kirin amino suppli. mmm. yum.
Also in the Japan Au Lait category, hit up your local Family Mart for Annin Tofu Au Lait. It’s the tastiest Au Lait in the land. For serious.
at the risk of incurring the wrath of all you fanboy geeks, what’s the dune reference in this article?
tessa,
“For Carrot au lait? Many have tried. Tried and failed? NO! TRIED AND DIED! CHUKSA. Carrot au lait is a killing word. 4/5″
That’s the dialogue when Paul Atreides asks that bald witch about that blue water stuff.
god! something must have been lost in the translation for the game developers… (or is that from the david lynch film?!)
7-01-05 Galvin Chow lives!
looks Yummy!!!
I have never laughed so much in my life. Thanks for that. :)
would have been good to see it in a glass…am imagining a light peach colour (but definitely not going to buy it to find out)… may be with some ice and a nice bit of daikon garnish?
I thought it sounded kinda good…
I think the funniest thing about that whole thing is that look of utter misery as you go back to drink MORE of the fucking drink. It cracked me up, I love how you KEEP GOING BACK FOR MORE. Glutton for punishment that you are.
Hello Mr Yongfook
I am currently in Japan and am enjoying it very much. I love all your reviews and now I can actually sample some of the things for myself. However, please can you help me find somewhere to buy fruit. I think I am going to get colon cancer very shortly from the lack of.
You can see my pictures of Tokyo on my website.
Thanks for all your reviews,
Gary
The drink sounds gross but I can see where it MIGHT have made sense to someone considering that carrot juice can be somewhat velvety and perhaps nicely paired with milk (ok, don’t kill me now :P). Then AGAIN, I haven’t tried the drink but I bet you if it were done right it might not be so bad (maybe it’d have to be done somewhere BESIDES Japan). Maybe I’m trying too hard b/c I’m half Japanese and feeling the sting of one of this country’s silly idiosyncracies :P.
at least there is some sense in combining milk and carrot juice: the fat of the milk solves the vitimine A out of the carrot juice and makes it absorbable for the metabolism. i can certify hyos comment: if you take fresh carrot juice (try make some) and mix it with a little fresh milk, it’s not the worst drink (the worst drink is the metalgothic-massacre-cocktail: two teaspoons of smegma stirred into 2 litres of old motor oil - best served with warm rocks and an expired health insurance contract).
Goodness man, you should come to South East Asia. People here dig milk + carrot juice.
Oooh!!! ã?Œã?£ã?“ã?„ã?„ã? ï¼?ï¼?ä½ å¥½çˆ±å•Šï¼?Someone so smart and good-looking. I am going to add you to my blog.
Yes, I’m just waiting for you to do a food review of Karinto. You know, the brown sugar snack that looks like dog or cat feces.
And I do recall, as a small child in South Africa, drinking freshly-juiced carrot juice mixed with milk. I didn’t think it was that bad. But then, South Africans put yoghurt on liver.
I should never read your site while I’m in public because I’m sure I looked like a complete moron trying to stifle my hysterical giggles. Your reviews made my day.
Dude, seriously, carrot milk is pretty normal around here. By here I mean Malaysia and (I assume) the rest of South East Asia. You were complaining about the freaky cover you saw? The one back home is bright orange with a freaky rabbit holding out a carrot. Scared the bejeezus out of me though (Evil. Small furry rodents evil…)
You thought Carrot+Milk was bad? In Argentina I was lucky enough to have the milk that was ‘free’ of tuberculosis. Forget about fat free, I’m a super-fit health-geek that pays extra for the disease free variety of cows goodness.. http://www.thejatinthehat.com/blog/2005/03/buenos-aires-quirks.html#comments
Well…What can you say to an British beer drinker who reveiws food as a past time? That you are wonderful…and that if it gets too lonely over there I like beer and incense.
But to avoid being a YF fan girl I must say that SOME (not all) of your reviews were notable and that you should continue to influence our Japanese meals.
Carrots are great…………………….to throw at random passers by. Milk is great…………………………..only it isnt, tastes of ass
so, by mixing throwing grade carrots and ass milk you get throwing ass grade carrot milk, mmmmmm taste that ass carrot goodness…….as it hits you in the face at 70 miles per hour…
i was bored, sorry, plus galvin is great so, yeah and such.. bye
Sweet Jesus! Fucking hilarious, I can’t believe theres such a product!
c
g
in Malaysia they do this to fresh carrots and condensed milk.. now thats a 5/5
balk!withhold possibilities swinging warmly!coefficient Romulus …
homely squeezed toiling knell,despaired:tales?butyl .
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