Yongfook is a web producer and usability consultant based in Tokyo

A note to mum and dad:

Why I am probably the worst son in the world:

1) I had long hair when I was a teenager.

2) I used to listen to death metal music. I’m really really sorry about that. Actually, sorry doesn’t even come close to conveying the level of regret I feel.

3) I have an appalling, wretched memory.

4) I believe I used the “I BET YOU WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN” line a few times during adolescence. But it all works out in the end as my mother’s response to that was often along the lines of “You are absolutely right. Its like Bret Michaels fricked E.T., and then produced a child that somehow ended up in my womb. Why Jesus smote me with your existence I will never truly understand, you bi-polar Darwinian nightmare”, to which I would say “YEAH WELL, YOU’RE A- STUPID- HEAD”.

5) I smoke a bit. Cut down a lot though.

6) I used to think that clutching my balls and doing the “can can” was hilarious.

7) I’ve made girls cry in our house.

8) I live far, far away.

Why I am probably the best son in the world:

1) I live far, far away.

2) I’ve played in the Royal Albert Hall. THAT just PWNS any other child-achievement story relatives or neighbours could come up with. I can just picture the IM chat with Aunty Frieda:

3) I have a job and I don’t take illegal drugs. 4) I smell so good. 5) I’m a handsome devil.

Anyway I could go on for days singing my own virtues, of which there are many. And I haven’t even STARTED on all the tricks I can do with my penis. But today, there is one point I brought up that I really want to concentrate on, that being:

I have an appalling, wretched memory.

You see, I’m the kind of person who will routinely forget things that were just mentioned to me:

Me: Hey Tom! Tom: Hey Jon, meet my friend, Walter. Me: Nice to meet you Steve! Tom: No no, he is “Walter”. Me: Who are you? Tom: What? Me: What?

The kind of person who will walk into a room and not only forget why I went there, but suddenly descend into a furious panic as I realise that I don’t know the current date, what building I am in, or why I can taste gazelle at the back of my throat. The kind of person who could never EVER get a 1-up in that stupid fricking “flip the tiles” memory test sub-game in Super Mario 3 and would end up hurling my NES out of the window sending shards of glass everywhere, only to slump back in my chair and think “My God, WHO’S THE PRESIDENT??”. What really irks me is that I have nothing to use as a legitimate scapegoat so really, I can only blame my own gormless stupidity. I don’t use a mobile phone much, I eat plenty of fish (or whatever the food is that is meant to improve memory- Elephants? Shit I can’t remember). As you can imagine, studying kanji (the Chinese characters used in the Japanese written language) is an uphill struggle on moonboots:

My internal monologue: Hmm, what is this word. Well I think I know that kanji, it means “bat” and that one probably means “crush” so I’m thinking this word means some kind of bat grinder, or bat pressing contraption. Oh no wait, I’m wrong, I think its “Pygmy War Hippo”, not “bat”. Oh God now the train has left.

Anyway enough foreplay - what the hell am I getting at? Well sometime in the near past, it was my dad’s birthday. And I, well, forgot. Despite my sister actually emailing me a couple of times to remind me.

So, dad, I’m really sorry, and even sorryerer that it has taken me this long to say anything:

HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY!!!

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 19th, 2004 at 9:33 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.