Yongfook is a web producer and usability consultant based in Tokyo

Like some kind of crackpot whore who keeps going back to her abusive drug-peddling pimp after she vows for the seventeenth time to never see him again, for some reason or another I went BACK to Cuddly Dominion recently.

It was at this time that,

a) I decided to have a sit down and ask myself if seeing bears on drugs is really that much of a priority in my life (to which the answer is “yes, yes they are”), and b) I realised that I FORGOT TO MENTION something about Cuddly Dominion in my last entry about the place.

Because you see, aside from the bears, as if their eternal, psychedelic torture on LSD-laced pies was not enough, Cuddly Dominion features a plethora of other animal attractions. For instance, there were duck races, which went a long way of showing me just how clever ducks can become through massive amounts of negative-reinforcement training, and I realise now that no trip to Cuddly Dominion would be complete without a visit to the DOGS ON CRACK cuddly hug hug love corner.

Yes. You see, a main feature of Cuddly Dominion is the petting zoo, although “zoo” is the wrong word as it implies there might be more than one species of animal but in this case all you get are dogs. I suppose the aim of this is fairly noble, as it gives people the chance to interact and play with dogs, in a country where having your own pets isn’t as common as perhaps in western countries. However, dogs - as opposed to say, chickens or rabbits at a regular petting zoo - aren’t the most ideal animal to have in an environment where they constantly have to meet new people, because dogs go ABSOLUTELY MENTAL when that happens. You know how it is, you’ll go round a girl’s house for that first date and her dog won’t shut the frick up:

Frank: So Sandy, I- BARK - yeah was just wondering - BARK YAP BARK - do you like red? I like red - BARK BARK - anyway I got you these - BARK - and - BARK YAP - oh my God what the hell is wrong with your stupid dog?

Sandy: he likes you!

Frank: yeah but he is biting my hand now. I think he just drew blood. And look, he has a massive erection. Look, this is just wrong. I want out.

Sandy: this is our first date. We met this morning.

Frank. Yeah. Bye.

The geniuses at Cuddly Dominion have managed to get round this though. How? Weeellll, I believe the board meeting went something like this-

Marketing Exec: Statistics show that people prefer to pet dogs over other animals such as sharks or wildebeest or phoenixes. Ergo, our new petting zoo section will be comprised entirely of dogs and we will each make 1 billion killion yen. Maha!

Chairman: A billion killion you say?

Scientist Guy: Hang on, you guys aren’t thinking. Dogs go absolutely batshit crazy when they meet new people. My studies show that if a dog meets over 20 new people in a day, it will explode with the force of a thousand suns. Can you imagine that? Hey Fido, here boy! BOOM. Everyone dead. At this zoo they will be touched, shouted at, picked up and chased by over 1000 people each day. Ergo, I think dogs at the petting zoo are a bad idea.

Chairman: Explode you say?

Scientist Guy: Yes.

Marketing Exec: Ok, I’m hearing you on that. What if we were to- “fix it”- so that the dogs didn’t even KNOW anyone was there? That would curb the explosions, yes?

Scientist Guy: Well yes, but how do you-

Marketing Exec: Sedatives.

Scientist Guy: That’s outrageous. It’s unprofessional. This job is terrible. I knew nobody would take me seriously right from my first day, when you guys forced me to wear this moose costume to all meetings.

Marketing Exec: Oh whats the matter moosey boy? Your phd itching again?

Scientist Guy: That doesn’t even make sense.

So yes. Sedated bears, and now dogs. Its never explicitly said or written anywhere that the dogs are sedated, but really, you don’t have to be an especially perceptive individual to know that there is SOME kind of sinister reason as to why ALL the dogs in the petting zoo are lying on the floor, not responding to any stimulus whatsoever, not even the 9 year old boy over there happily skipping around, stomping on their faces.

Other attractions at Cuddly Dominion (yes there’s more! Although not much) include various theme-park-like rides, more animals such as llamas and monkeys - all who haven’t got a clue whether to shit or go blind since they are on so much drugs, a rather beautiful koi pond, pig races and live choreographed shows involving bears riding bikes (unbelievably, this sort of thing DOES exist outside of cartoons about jolly Eastern European travelling gypsy circuses), catching balls, doing complex non-linear equations without the use of a calculator and such.

All in all, a fun - and as a bonus, slightly disturbing - day out. Definitely worth a visit if you are in the area.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 31st, 2004 at 9:11 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.