Yongfook is a web producer and usability consultant based in Tokyo

HEEEEEERES JOHNNY!

Ha ha. As a person who is actually called Jon, you can probably guess how rich my life is, stemming from the fact I have the opportunity to legitimately use that phrase more often than other people.

Anyway, GREETINGS TO THE FESTERING INHABITANTS OF FOOLDOM (that’s you), for I am BACK. Actually I have been back for nearly a week but I always take a few extra days of holiday to get back into the swing of things, usually involving me pouring hot oil all over my face screaming “WHY DID I RETURNNN” over and over again until I fall unconscious from exhaustion.

So, Hong Kong. Will definitely go back. Here are some things I remember:

Random drips of water This is probably one of the first things you will notice when you visit Hong Kong for the first time. Walking around the city streets on a perfectly clear day you will be hard pressed not to see little pools of water dotted about, and if you are unlucky, you will also be dripped on by the water forming those pools. I was quite reliably informed that this dripping water is coming from air conditioning exhausts on tall buildings but I’m a bit sceptical myself, seeing as I failed to see any air conditioning exhausts above me, suspended - for some obscure reason - halfway across the pavement. I scoffed at my reliable informers and set fire to their minds with my wings of steel, in a dimension where such a thing is possible.

The ability to get decent foreign food Yes. You might have gathered from my reviews of shit food that, in an ironic conclusion to the given evidence, I do actually enjoy food a lot. Stemming, I suspect, from the fact that Hong Kong:

a) is a major international port, and

b) has, up until recently, for decades sucked the elegant penis of British Colonial rule,

you can get pretty decent food from a variety of different countries very easily, since there is a large and very active expat community in Hong Kong, who probably would think that some of Japan’s culinary adjustments to foreign favourites are as much an abomination of the institute of all things edible, as I do. I can just imagine Lord Rexington Smithely Chesterfield the 5th in the finest Italian restaurant in Tokyo, tucking into a potato and seaweed pizza with special Mayonnaise and squid nipple crust, exclaiming “by George what the cunting frick is this? Feed it to the servant boy at once and punish him afterwards because I’m so ghastly mwahaha” and generally just being entirely unamused by Japan’s interpretations of what foreign food is meant to be like. So yes, to recap because good food was probably the highlight of my trip, I had awesome Thai, awesome Vietnamese, awesome Indian, some American chain fast food stuff that I hadn’t tried before, and of course, awesome Chinese. Can’t wait to go back.

Chungking Mansions For a Hong Kong cinema geek like me (oh, you didn’t know? Well now you do. Don’t tell ANYONE) I couldn’t help but visit Chungking Mansions, a dingy building which acts as a kind of Zoo/Prison/Brothel for the entire gamut of Hong Kong’s various ethnic minorities in which much of the first half of Wong Kar Wai’s “Chungking Express” was shot. Of course, its also basically the hub of all of Kowloon’s illegal immigrant activity, prostitution, murder, theft, gambling etc etc which means that it hasn’t changed a whole lot since that film was made 10 years ago, and it doesn’t make it the most charming place to be hanging around in, what with old guys sitting happily by their stalls selling nothing but varying sizes and shapes of dildo, and large men in small groups who look like they would make delicious sandwiches out of my pancreas, dotted about the place everywhere you look. An interesting place nonetheless, though. Dark but teeming with life, like a kind of Fraggle Rock for drug addicts.

I TOUCHED JACKIE CHAN sort of Well ok I didn’t at all. In Hong Kong there is a Hollywood Walk-Of-Fame-Style avenue dedicated to all manner of local stars whom no foreigner is likely to have heard of, but in amongst them are the occasional big name stars like Jet Li, Michelle Yeoh, Sammo Hung and indeed, Jackie Chan. So I put my hand in Jackie Chan’s print, marvelled at the homo-eroticness of it all and moved along swiftly. Jet Li on the other hand has the most tiny, child-like hands I have ever seen for a grown man. They must be like deadly little piercing instruments when he punches things, like an epileptic dwarf holding a pair of drumsticks. Really, the thought terrifies me to the pit of my soul.

Speaking of tiny (no no, not my penis) I got a new phone a couple of days ago. And guess what - its tiny! So tiny, in fact, that it is nearly impossible to use. That’s technological progress right there. Eventually technology will create ever smaller, more compact gadgets so that only people like Jet Li will be able to enjoy them.

I leave you with a small collection of this month’s top search engine referral keywords, along with a retarded comment from me:

small penis I really wish this would stop being consistently the highest ranked referral keyword. It makes me so sad. So very very sad.

angela leow gray hahahahahah ahhh memories.

ganari takahashi who?

small cock yes ok for fricks sake

hijiki arsenic death haha you retards actually searched this, then clicked on the search engine link to come BACK to my site? That’s gold.

lolita hardcore I like to think of myself as more Teen S&M. Oh crap now people searching for Teen S&M will get directed to my site. Crap I said it again, now its even worse.

sato asako who? And why did they end up here?

weirding modules awesome

niteknight what?

fu scooper 5 cool. Although, going on the advice of a reader, I’m probably just going to call myself “yongfook”. Yongfook the diary, Yongfook the music. It works. PS. Stay tuned for more, uh, tunes.

k-car bodykit oh my god please no no no please don’t let there be someone out there who was actually, genuinely searching for this.

18681 interesting. Any ideas, anyone?

monica bellucci breasts as much as I am proud to now be associated with Monica Bellucci’s breasts, I’d also like to know how the frick my site has anything to do with them. Apart from the fact that she probably rubs them on her computer screen whilst my picture is displayed. Yeah. That’d be awesome. Rub.

he put his cack in her ass this is probably the single most outstanding search referral I have ever got.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 23rd, 2004 at 8:33 pm and is filed under General. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.