Yongfook is a web producer and usability consultant based in Tokyo

suko - 19 May 2004 You should answer your guestbook as viewer mail .Because you are amusing, and sometimes funny.

Well thanks for that. I guess along with “sometimes funny” I’m also “occasionally not a tit” and “every now and then un-crap”. Come back when you have some REAL compliments for me. Christ. Anyway, good idea - so here goes the first yongfook.com VIEWER MAIL:

kit - 14 May 2004 hey ur site is KOOOL.. Lovin’ It! wanna talk to u on msn add me on if u want 2

Only if you let Hasslehoff watch. Anyway, I don’t ever use MSN Messenger because it is a bloated, ugly pile of unusable crap masquerading as a piece of software. If any of you degenerates actually wants to transcend this blog and send me a message, hear this - I only use AIM. My handle there is “hamsterpanic”. Send money and pictures of you holding a “yongfook is so r0×0rz I want to die in his cack!!11″ banner.

yuliana - 7 May 2004 hullo there….how are you yongfook? what is yongfook mean? is it a name or what?

Well “hullo” there yourself. Yongfook means many things. It IS in fact my Chinese right-of-the-middle name and means “forever prosperous”. Its also ripe for parody (although it is agreeably better than being called something like “Timmy Shit Eater McTwatburg”) and if any of you make the joke “young frick” one more time you will be single-handedly contributing to the destruction of the institute of comedy forever. Most of all though, yongfook means “the power of awesome, sexified”. In fact, if you said “yongfook” into that voice gun thing from Dune, you would have a massive orgasm, then die.

isa - 4 May 2004 very nice the photos,i like the japanese culture since 1993 and im interested in amerasian people.

Well you are shit out of luck then because this website has no real connection to either. Do you actually read my site? Do any of you? Why is it only a small minority of you can actually spell my name right even though it is written on every page? Anyway - I am most certainly not Amerasian, if that is even a legitimate term. I am Britcuntinglychinkpart, thanks. To regular readers of yongfook, and by that I refer to anyone who does anything more than simply skim my diary entries for pictures of “R0×0rZ J@p@neEz tH1nGZ!!11″, you will have probably noticed that I don’t often talk about Japanese culture in any way. There are a million other websites out there that talk about how awesome ninjas are and how beautiful the poetic contrast is between some white bird and the discarded pile of computer hard drives it is resting on, but this site isn’t one of those. This IS however, possibly the only site on the internet that has made some kind of sexual reference to the voice gun thing from Dune.

gc - 28 April 2004 Hello hi u remmeber me ?

No, and seeing as you have given me nothing more than two cryptic initials as a clue to your identity, it looks like I never will. Bravo for living this long.

Angela Leow Gray - 21 April 2004 Hi, interesting site you’ve got here…. go your site through eurasiannation…. do visit mine at www.angela.blursotong.com

Well I went to my site through eurasiannation and it looked exactly the same as before. Whats your point? Anyway I visited your site and couldn’t find anything other than hundreds of pictures of yourself. I think some congratulations are in order because up until now I have thought I was the most narcissistic being on the face of the planet but your site surely claims that title for yourself. How annoying! Its like watching the mirror-room ending of Enter The Dragon and you are the bad guy with the awesome claw thing and I am Bruce Lee not knowing where the frick to look and wanting to smash up my screen in insanity.

Youn fuk - 26 April 2004 Check Angela Leow Grays’s website - she’s a pretty babe!

Yeah alright, we know this is still you.

gvs - 21 April 2004 you got a very interesting blog but how about some more entries on the weird ‘Japanese way’?

I thought there were enough healthy references to tentacle porn on this site already. But ok, you twisted my arm. This is just a recollection of something I watched on TV. There is a show on Sundays called “Debuya” which basically follows a group of fat celebrities travelling around Japan eating food. Their ‘hilarious’ catchphrase is “mayu!” which is a bastardisation of “umai”, meaning “delicious” or “tasty”. So on one episode they happen across a guy catching octopus in rock pools, using only this huge stick with a hook on the end. What happened next was both funny and terrifying, as the guy showed the fat, grinning hosts of the show the ‘proper’ way to kill an octopus. In short, this was to pick it up and BITE IT’S FACE OFF. I’m not sure whether it was the dramatic jet spray of water spurting from the octopus’ siphon coupled with the horrific sudden change of skin colour from a reddish-purple to a pale white-grey all within a split second OR the fact that all of this was just about the funniest thing in the entire world to the hosts, that unnerved me more.

Anyway, just like the one kid who gets too excited at the petting zoo and goes around stomping on baby chickens, the main host thought it would be an excellent joke to grab an octopus and put it on his face whilst pretending to be in pain, ensuring the maximum amount of comedy one can exact in a single joke under the conditions of Japanese humour, since it involved both pain-infliction and animal cruelty. This, however, resulted in the octopus BRINGING IT ON and fighting back, causing our man to visibly start to panic as no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pull the octopus off his face. After a while they got it off, but not before the octopus had a chance to make some attractive sucker marks all over the hosts brow and cheeks. Anyway then the other host killed it.

www.tv-tokyo.co.jp/debuya/back.html

…. - 12 April 2004 yongfook do u like anime?

Well “- .”, if that IS your real name, I’m going to have to say “WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT, NO”. This is not just so I can distance myself from the unfortunate (ly accurate) stereotype of all gaijin anime fans being overweight, bearded freaks who think all Japanese sentences end with “da yo!” - I just generally have a dislike for anime. I enjoy comics, since that at least affords me some reading practice, but 2-frame a second TV series’ voiced by an entire cast of people squeezing their testicles whilst talking just isn’t my thing, even if it does have huge, awesome robots in it.

JUFONUK - 8 April 2004 You cant be A-team or Airwolf, also UK people challenge TV are showing that excellent show everyone knows that they wanted to be on “Knightmare”

Well done Jufonuk I believe you have just discovered an 80s TV show that I haven’t yet made some kind of voice-orgasm reference to. To those who weren’t blessed enough to live in the UK as a kid and thus never had the opportunity to watch KNIGHTMARE, I feel pity since you know not the value of anything, ever.

Knightmare was the best show ever to be made entirely in a small, one-room studio. The premise was simple - a group of friends in a viewing chamber guided another friend through a large, fantasy-world dungeon, shouting out simple left/right commands, similar to the kind of text rpg games that were popular at the time, except this was all done with real people, on a blue-screen background.

The reason Knightmare was so excellent was the fact that it was absolutely FRICKING IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN. I think in the entire history of the show I only ever saw one group ever make it to the end. You see, the world of Knightmare was riddled with threats, ranging from buzzsaws whizzing down walls to creepy shuffling troll things that you would have to calmly help your mate avoid by shouting out directional commands whilst desperately trying to NOT SHIT YOUR PANTS. At such times, commands would invariably devolve down into a melee of panicked tongues meaning the poor guy who is actually in the fantasy world is sort of left standing around wondering what the frick to do presumably until the the producer says “ahahahaa you’re dead you suck NO ONE CAN BEAT KNIGHTMAREEEEEEE” whilst twisting his long, greasy moustache and sitting on a throne made of baby seals.

http://www.knightmare.com

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