Valentine’s stinky beans
Sorry it’s late but I’ve had a busy weekend of procrastinating in which a large amount of my wasted and un-reclaimable time was spent reading about theories of “high technology” in the Bible and clawing at my own face in the despair that my modest Catholic upbringing was a complete farce seeing as how in reality, the Bible was all about crazy megalomaniacal alien beings. In // I have piqued your interest, I urge you to read this article as an example of conspiracy theory that walks a sometimes-not-so-fine line between being thought-provokingly convincing and completely arse monkey backwards insane. I especially liked the part about Noah and his collection of animal DNA samples and the classic line that will be forever be embedded in my memory “How were the 10 Commandments cut into stone? The finger of God could have accomplished this if they were lasers” and half expected to read something later about the flood in the book of Genesis being explained away as a magnificent, unstoppable torrent of electrified semen but sadly I was left disappointed.
Anyway due to the massive demand of one entry in my guestbook (by the mysterious “Berry” who I liken to a swollen Violet Beauregarde painstakingly smashing at keys with her engorged, purpled fists) I have decided to write a belated Valentine entry.
Continuing the theme of the last entry, Valentine’s Day is another foreign concept that Japan has decided to warp into something completely different, keeping the hallmark of the name to aid confusion, but changing all other factors. You see, Valentine’s Day in Japan is specifically for MEN. Valentine’s Day here is the time of year when you, the doting and long suffering wife, or you, the secret admirer of that boy in the year above you at school, are encouraged to express your affection by the usual means of chocolate or a card. No action is encouraged or even expected on the male’s part and along with this in an almost mathematically perfect reversal of all the rules we are familiar with, women are expected to give gifts to their husbands, boyfriends and - amazingly - even their (male) bosses and co-workers at work will feel entitled to a gift or two.
Of course, this takes some of the point out of Valentine’s Day, it being a day - conventionally - for the expression of love or affection, rather than a kind of empty articulation of “thank you for merely existing in the same office as me” or “congratulations for being the same gender as my husband”.
Chocolate is the de facto gift at this time and although the same could be said for the rest of the world, I have never seen such a sudden flood of cocoa-based goods in any other country as I have in Japan in the run up to Valentine’s Day. There is much to be said of Japan’s cyclical food product business. This is where products relying on the fluctuating tastes of the seasons are put on the hard sell and promoted like bastards for a few months, after which they will be taken off the shelves and put into hibernation until the same time next year. For example, “niku man” (see a previous entry) is deemed as a winter food and not sold in spring and summer even though it is perfectly palatable all year round. Certain flavours of Pocky (a chocolate biscuit stick thing) are only available at select times of year such as Pumpkin and Chestnut. The list goes on into the thousands of products. Chocolate is no different. Although chocolate is eaten all year round, all sorts of wildly disgusting chocolate products come crawling out of the woodwork under the pretence of “innovation” at this time, such as chocolate covered natto beans (yikes) and wasabi flavour chocolate - both of which will be unavailable within about 2 weeks of Valentine’s Day being over.
Things other than chocolate are really left on the backburner as the majority of the population chooses to shun items like flowers, jewellery and, you know, ‘genuine sentiment’. This is Valentine’s Day after some kind of colossal romance enema and it’s all a bit tragic really. I know that in the western world Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly a bastion of chivalry and true, everlasting love but at least there is a kind of mutual exchange of gifts between the sexes.
So what are the men here supposed to do?
Why, wait for “White Day”, of course.
Yes, in order to restore a semblance of balance to this one-way gift-giving extravaganza, Japan has created an entirely fictitious day on which the roles reverse and men are expected to give chocolates to women.
White Day is next month and if you are anything like me, you will have employed a crack team of the world’s best scientists to help you figure out whether it makes any sense whatsoever.
